HIATUS

What used to be a sparkle of celestial light turned into autumn leaves falling. What is shown or not shown doesn't matter. I will neither fight nor reason. There's no use in extracting something that isn't there. But things don't have to fall apart. I will take my hiatus. I don't know when I'll be back. Or will I ever be? I don't really like it this way, but this is what's given to me. I might as well embrace it.

HOW HARD WORK CAN BE A 'HINDRANCE'

You try to be the “better you”, but people either take advantage or hinder you from what you’re entitled to. The problem with our system is when you’re simply hardworking, you’ll get nowhere in the corporate world even if you’re qualified. They’ll see flaws and shortcomings. The bootlickers go places. They comfortably stride concrete staircases with handrails, sometimes even with fast elevators, while you climb a vertical steel ladder carrying your own weight. They laugh when you make a mistake; or when they know you’re suffering from being “stagnant”.

Hard work, or any other quality for that matter, can be a “hindrance” too if you play it to be your only virtue and expect to heap much rewards. When you’re trying to earn a decent living, having just one virtue can never be enough. Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance are great additions and are worthy of practice even without the recognition of your talent and true potential.

I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite, but there is a part of me that’s still proud to be me. I am not a bootlicker. I’m glad it’s not part of my nature.

A NOTE TO MYSELF

“…Between who you are and who you could be;

Between how it is and how it should be”…

-‘Dare You To Move’ by Switchfoot

Be a better Son, a better Brother, a better Friend, a better kin, a better colleague, a better neighbor, a better spouse and a better father. The last two… well, maybe not just yet.

If you believe you’re part of the light, shine as much as you can. Be better for the sake of setting a good example.

#SPM110315              #ThingsLearned

'SERENDIPITY KIND-OF-GUY'

“I’m a ‘let-serendipity-do-its-thing’ kind of guy.” –heard from CSI Cyber

Maybe that’s the best thing I can “do”… for now.

#tiredoftangamoves

A MISFIRE IN BOTH DIRECTIONS

In a situation, we sometimes think we have thought it all out, that we have planned for reasonable possibilities. Through the twists and turns, we still fall short on our take on two opposing scenarios. Even in events management, there are times that we fail on contingencies we didn’t take into consideration. As soon as it occurs, we are thrown off-balance and dumbfounded for a moment.

Because life, in general, is unpredictable.

It’s not about the preparedness;

It’s about mindset.

But make no mistake about it. We still have to do our part and hope -- that whatever happens will be accepted and rectified, if need be.

We know that when we’re aiming for something, we won’t always hit the target at first.

So gear up.

Don’t be afraid of a “miss”.

Be afraid of not firing at all.

MOOD (from 2009)

I've written many silly things in the past, from pun-intended micro blogs to mockeries of my own stupid problems. Quite a few have been lost to obscurity, or so I thought all of them were, until I found out that I was actually able to save some in ready-to-be-thrown memory cards. This just happens to be one of my favorites...

MOOD: a semi-technical blog (from 2009)

Through the years, I have personally observed the factors which affect the overall mood of particular situations, settings and people in general. These are:

1. LIGHTING.

Not the majority of people pay attention to illumination. Architects, Interior Designers and Engineers understand the psychological impact of the amount of light that is distributed in an area. Notice offices and fastfood restaurants are heavily-lit, sort of making occupants “wide-awake”. Full-blast lighting complements the fast-paced lifestyle, like saying: Go, go, go!!” or Move, move, move!!” On the other hand, fancy restaurants use dim lights to evoke privacy. Dim lighting in an office would make an employee not want to work because it creates a relaxed atmosphere, laid back, and even romantic; hence the term “candlelight dinner”. Naturally, loud music would ruin the effect altogether. And dark rooms are out of the question. (Hey, do they still use them nowadays?)

I have experienced this awkward effect inside our head office (OF ALL PLACES!!) and government offices (not surprising, huh?) Yes, lighting can be a laxative.

2. COLOR.

Even colors play a role in mood-setting. “Happy”, “Angry”, “Grayish”; each projecting a particular emotion of the hue they represent. Some have eye-grabbing characteristics because of the way that they are so unique; that they stand out against the typical background. Others are “cool” to the vision while some are inclined to be eyesores if stared at long enough. Have you seen the motion picture “300”? The overall ‘feel’ of the movie is very unyielding. You can imagine that it is a magnificent epic of gallantry in a dark era of history. The filmmakers used a filter for their cameras to achieve the consistent “tone” of the film, plus digital effects of course. Films by Michael Bay seem to project a “steel-and-concrete” feel to them. Some individual colors have also been associated with certain movements, like RED which has been linked to activism, blood and warning signs. This color is seldom used in bulk quantity because it visually “hurts” the eyes, even though it catches attention.

In buildings, it tends to be a bit monotonous since “loud” colors will make the structure look bizarre and silly. In clothing, casually speaking, one might think that it all boils down to a matter of taste and comfort. Putting on black every single day may just be the taste of the person wearing it.

3. CHAOS.

No one wants to live in clutter. Having a disorganized life can taint the mental as well as the emotional state of being. It’s like a chain reaction. I recall a professor of mine from years back; there was this instance when she didn’t want to start because the classroom was too untidy for her. She couldn’t teach unless everything was put into order. I myself feel uneasy if I leave the house in a mess and arrive at work seeing the same condition. It irritates me. At times, it may be an issue of lack of storage space. But still, one must stack things neatly to lessen further confusion. Excess noise (like nagging) adds to the misery.

4. CULTURE.

The attitude of people (in the MACRO and micro aspect) also largely influences your attitude towards your surroundings. If your colleagues and/or superiors are all assholes, this would have a negative impact on you, even if your workplace is nice and the pay is good. Sooner or later, you’ll find yourself looking for work some place else. Peace of mind is priceless. Or maybe you end up being an asshole yourself, if you choose to stay.

5. MULTIPLE STRESS.

While a significant number of individuals can cope with the average amount of pressure, not all people have the same breaking point. In very difficult times, our own tolerance (AND EXTERNAL HELP FROM SEEN AND UNSEEN SOURCES) will be the determining factor on how we end the day.

6. MINDSET.

I know someone who has always had a positive outlook on life. She’s very patient and seems to be very much in control (in a nice way). She’s always smiling every time I see her. Sometimes she makes me feel ridiculous for taking my problems so seriously. I’ve known her for years and I haven’t seen her ‘blow her top’ even once. I think getting angry, for her, is a last resort.

Having a good mindset really helps in self-esteem. For good people, it’s not just a matter of acceptance, but also a matter of perspective. To their point of view, “bad” things happen for good reason. Every “failure” is a wake up call and every challenge is an opportunity. To them, it doesn’t matter what other people say. In the now immortal speech of Barack Obama, they will shout: “YES, WE CAN!”

I can almost say that I envy these people. Or maybe now I just did.

On the contrary, I am personally in contact with some people who are very ungrateful, despite knowing how lucky they are in some facets of their life. These people ignore the fact that they are more fortunate than others, and instead they still whine and complain. I remember the “character-victims” of the ‘SAW’ movies; this is the very motive why they were entrapped and tortured in the first place. For some remote reason, ‘Jigsaw’ has a point. But I still find him mentally-deranged, though.

7. GIVEN ATTITUDE.

This is the hardest thing to change. No matter how disciplined you think you might be, there will always come a time when the flaws emerge; BECAUSE YOU ARE BORN WITH THEM. Having a positive outlook or good mindset is great, but you are still YOU. It cannot change the totality of your being. In the strictest sense, life can never be perfect. That’s why we all should keep on learning, because we always have to correct, develop and nurture something. Be it personal, social or spiritual.

Don’t let your mood get the best of you. I have made this mistake many times. (.^_^)

WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS

I remember in an interview with a band, one member said, "We just want to be together for as long as we can be together." Regardless of success, when you enjoy the company of who you're presently with, live it while it's still here. Unfortunately not all good things last. You'll find yourself smiling when you reminisce "the days".

Snapshot from 'BEGIN AGAIN'

AN INTROVERT'S LETTER TO SOMEONE WHO NEVER WAS

Good day.

Pardon me if this may sound rude, but if you're not interested in what I have to say, you can stop reading right here. My letters are all of the same predictable format anyway. This may well be my longest yet. I wasn't really planning to write, because I think I sort of promised not to bother you anymore. Although I've been wrong in the past, I feel like I have to tell you the contents of this final letter. I hope you don't consider it one-sided. I previously wondered if your reply to my last one was a test. But then again, why would you lie? Unlike me, you were so sure of what you were saying.

I'll be honest: you're very difficult to read. VERY. Well, for me at least. You always were unique and extraordinary. I choose not to say anything whenever we "bump into each other" because I don't know how you would react. If talk isn't really necessary, I will always stay away and shut my mouth. I would rather do nothing to avoid possibly offending you than make the first move communicating and "aggrieve" you again. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, especially to you. For me, it's not worth the risk if it will just make you uneasy or uncomfortable. By now you may have already noticed that I keep explaining that, like it's never enough. You'll probably get irritated by me again for being too redundant. I'm still willing to talk, BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. I may not be a significant part of your life, but you are the most important person in mine. The little things I can do for your peace of mind, I will.

Believe it or not, I still have some feelings for you... (Yes, I may really be THAT fiercely loyal). But I'm no longer expecting anything in return, which I guess is just right. I want to think that I'm ready to finally "empty what's left", this time for good; I have set a deadline for myself, you know. I was hoping that I could inject even just a little bit of humor into this whole situation, but I can't. Seriously speaking, I do hope you understand. I suppose it's better for us to be apart and avoid any form of contact at this point, to prevent awkward moments for the both of us. You know how it is. Just think of it as me saving you from the embarrassment.

I have to get rid of these feelings first before I make new memories with you. I somehow refuse to go through the process of experiencing new things, cherishing them and then later misinterpreting again. I am dumb and gullible that way, to someone I've already felt some kind of attachment to. Back and forth, I've been trying to make up my mind about abandoning my feelings for you, but I can't seem to decide. I keep thinking of who I've become in your life. I feel like I'm a nuisance, the tester of patience; someone to avoid: I am the "bad guy". Aside from the absence of mutual attraction, maybe that's partly why you've gone this far without me in your life, completely cut off. Because I'm no good for you. I get that now. I DIDN'T SAY YOU SAID THAT, nor would I want to think you have ill thoughts about me. But being bad for you is what I've always felt ever since I got dumped. I tried to wrestle with that thought, but I guess truth shall always prevail. Every positive thing you are able to achieve proves to me that being away from you, is good for you.

If the direction we're going to is towards getting rid of this awkwardness between us (as much as it sounds like a cheesy line from a cheesy song), then please: Help me get over you. Keeping the distance is part of my solution. Please don't be offended if I see you but don't talk to you. I will talk only if you speak to me. You've already expressed to me that there's no future for "us" and that we're better off as mere friends, nothing more. I want to ACCEPT that COMPLETELY and straighten things out once and for all.

I made the same mistake twice in a span of two years. My first attempt hit back hard at me. Your response to my second hit me even harder. This third time, I don't know. (Maybe that’s why I put it here, where practically no one is looking, not even you. I didn’t send it directly because you’ll be burdened with the thought again. But just in case you wonder, it’s here: my pathetic excuse for an “explanation”; which really isn’t necessary, as our friends have told me. I only want the words to get out of my head so that they’ll not linger anymore. It bothers me to keep them all inside. Don’t worry, nobody ever reads my blogs. This is an outlet without an audience.)

I'm a slow learner. I have never been this hurt, because I have never loved this way before. But it's not right to force someone to love me. I forgive you. And I'm stepping aside now. The last thing I was expecting "the second time" was to cause further damage, but I did so anyway. Now, things have gotten worse. Every time I see you, the memories slice through me like knives. I'm tired of the hurting and disappointment, it gets really frustrating sometimes. But that's only me. For whatever it's worth, I apologize for treating you the way I did, for shutting you off. I've been selfish and unfair to you. I just don't know how to react to rejection. I'm sorry if I didn't greet you on your Birthday, I didn't mean to ignore you. I was afraid you'd think I desperately wanted your attention. I knew you were very happy and I didn't want to cause you distress. It has always been like this. I'm an idiot when it comes to love. However unexpected, I just need more time to drain this off and clean up.

Remember when I told you a few years ago that I will always be your friend and will always be there for you? I intend to keep that promise. When all things settle, we'll be like close peers again. Well, maybe. I wish I could say that it would be "Just like old times", but I can't guarantee anything. Because a barrier of stricter limitation between us two was created at the moment I opened myself up to you. We can't expect to return to exactly what was before. When things like this happen, it's never the same. Our friendship has been "tarnished"; I understand that IT IS awkward for you. Sad to say, we may never really go back to how things were. And for this, I am very sorry. I admit that the fault is all mine; because I am, and have always been, the problem.

Call me eccentric, dense, impatient, a melancholic sentimental fool, all of these or whatever; this is just who I am.

I wish our next "interaction" would be a literal exchange of words, a real conversation, maybe coupled with laughter for past silly mistakes and misinterpretations. Hopefully that would happen soon. I have faith that what Has To Be, Will Be; because I know that God will give us what we deserve -- and even the things that we don't. I guess this is it. Good luck in everything. I am very happy for you. Be happier. May God bless you and your family always.

-just me talking to you (or is it just, "me talking")?

BEAR THAT PAIN WITHOUT BREAKING

"...It's not their pain you're afraid of, it's yours. And as frightening as it may be, that pain will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it. It will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the greatest gift we have, to bear that pain without breaking. And it's born from a most human power... Hope."

-Professor Charles Xavier

I AM THE BAD GUY!

No one in his right mind wants to be a villain, in the real sense. Not for a single time, and hopefully never. We all know that in the first person point-of-view, we are the "good guys" of our own lives.

But I suddenly remembered that I have portrayed antagonists in the past as well. Way back in high school, we had a class project (a play, actually) on alternative endings for "Florante At Laura", a work by one of the The Philippines' historical National Artists, Francisco Balagtas. Each section of our year level was competing against one another. There were six sections, so there were six alternative endings for the story. Our section focused on a plot for the main character's best friend, Menandro, who became an envious traitor. Guess who "Menandro" was? On another class project (a movie this time), I played a government official who abused the protagonist at some point in the story. I loved it whenever I said, "Ma, gagabihin ako mamaya ha, may shooting kami" before leaving the house to attend classes. It felt like being part of an indie film (which technically, it really was) and we were some sort of young celebrities, in a way. Reality bit when I noticed that I was also part of the makeshift 'production crew'. HAHAHA!!!! It was ironic but nostalgic. Almost nothing really beats the memories of high school life. During college, on the other hand, I declaimed "The Despair of Judas" in English class. The rebel in me chose that piece. I remember that the "Judas" part stuck, because some of my classmates jokingly referred to me as such, even calling my cheap rubber shoes "Air Judas" at the time. It was laughable.

I guess I really am cut for a "villain", on somewhat trivial things at least. I just hope it doesn't cross over to more personal matters! HAHAHA!!!! Well I guess in some cases it has, I just didn't notice and wasn't really planning deliberately. I have come to accept that I am many different things to many different people, and one of them is that guy who initiates the "bad news", especially when it comes to my work, which also involves disconnection of utilities.

It's funny how I can recall those distant details and forget where I left my pen or put my files just a while ago, then look for them in obscure places. Forgetfulness and ASSUMPTIONS Considered, MY BRAIN IS THE REAL BAD GUY! (...or at least a Hemisphere of it!)

I don't think I would enjoy being an antagonist in the real world, but I like playing the villain in a fictional set up! Because as TMNT's "Shredder" has said before, "It feels sooo goood to be sooo baaad!!" HAHAHA!!!!