WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS

I remember in an interview with a band, one member said, "We just want to be together for as long as we can be together." Regardless of success, when you enjoy the company of who you're presently with, live it while it's still here. Unfortunately not all good things last. You'll find yourself smiling when you reminisce "the days".

Snapshot from 'BEGIN AGAIN'

AN INTROVERT'S LETTER TO SOMEONE WHO NEVER WAS

Good day.

Pardon me if this may sound rude, but if you're not interested in what I have to say, you can stop reading right here. My letters are all of the same predictable format anyway. This may well be my longest yet. I wasn't really planning to write, because I think I sort of promised not to bother you anymore. Although I've been wrong in the past, I feel like I have to tell you the contents of this final letter. I hope you don't consider it one-sided. I previously wondered if your reply to my last one was a test. But then again, why would you lie? Unlike me, you were so sure of what you were saying.

I'll be honest: you're very difficult to read. VERY. Well, for me at least. You always were unique and extraordinary. I choose not to say anything whenever we "bump into each other" because I don't know how you would react. If talk isn't really necessary, I will always stay away and shut my mouth. I would rather do nothing to avoid possibly offending you than make the first move communicating and "aggrieve" you again. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, especially to you. For me, it's not worth the risk if it will just make you uneasy or uncomfortable. By now you may have already noticed that I keep explaining that, like it's never enough. You'll probably get irritated by me again for being too redundant. I'm still willing to talk, BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. I may not be a significant part of your life, but you are the most important person in mine. The little things I can do for your peace of mind, I will.

Believe it or not, I still have some feelings for you... (Yes, I may really be THAT fiercely loyal). But I'm no longer expecting anything in return, which I guess is just right. I want to think that I'm ready to finally "empty what's left", this time for good; I have set a deadline for myself, you know. I was hoping that I could inject even just a little bit of humor into this whole situation, but I can't. Seriously speaking, I do hope you understand. I suppose it's better for us to be apart and avoid any form of contact at this point, to prevent awkward moments for the both of us. You know how it is. Just think of it as me saving you from the embarrassment.

I have to get rid of these feelings first before I make new memories with you. I somehow refuse to go through the process of experiencing new things, cherishing them and then later misinterpreting again. I am dumb and gullible that way, to someone I've already felt some kind of attachment to. Back and forth, I've been trying to make up my mind about abandoning my feelings for you, but I can't seem to decide. I keep thinking of who I've become in your life. I feel like I'm a nuisance, the tester of patience; someone to avoid: I am the "bad guy". Aside from the absence of mutual attraction, maybe that's partly why you've gone this far without me in your life, completely cut off. Because I'm no good for you. I get that now. I DIDN'T SAY YOU SAID THAT, nor would I want to think you have ill thoughts about me. But being bad for you is what I've always felt ever since I got dumped. I tried to wrestle with that thought, but I guess truth shall always prevail. Every positive thing you are able to achieve proves to me that being away from you, is good for you.

If the direction we're going to is towards getting rid of this awkwardness between us (as much as it sounds like a cheesy line from a cheesy song), then please: Help me get over you. Keeping the distance is part of my solution. Please don't be offended if I see you but don't talk to you. I will talk only if you speak to me. You've already expressed to me that there's no future for "us" and that we're better off as mere friends, nothing more. I want to ACCEPT that COMPLETELY and straighten things out once and for all.

I made the same mistake twice in a span of two years. My first attempt hit back hard at me. Your response to my second hit me even harder. This third time, I don't know. (Maybe that’s why I put it here, where practically no one is looking, not even you. I didn’t send it directly because you’ll be burdened with the thought again. But just in case you wonder, it’s here: my pathetic excuse for an “explanation”; which really isn’t necessary, as our friends have told me. I only want the words to get out of my head so that they’ll not linger anymore. It bothers me to keep them all inside. Don’t worry, nobody ever reads my blogs. This is an outlet without an audience.)

I'm a slow learner. I have never been this hurt, because I have never loved this way before. But it's not right to force someone to love me. I forgive you. And I'm stepping aside now. The last thing I was expecting "the second time" was to cause further damage, but I did so anyway. Now, things have gotten worse. Every time I see you, the memories slice through me like knives. I'm tired of the hurting and disappointment, it gets really frustrating sometimes. But that's only me. For whatever it's worth, I apologize for treating you the way I did, for shutting you off. I've been selfish and unfair to you. I just don't know how to react to rejection. I'm sorry if I didn't greet you on your Birthday, I didn't mean to ignore you. I was afraid you'd think I desperately wanted your attention. I knew you were very happy and I didn't want to cause you distress. It has always been like this. I'm an idiot when it comes to love. However unexpected, I just need more time to drain this off and clean up.

Remember when I told you a few years ago that I will always be your friend and will always be there for you? I intend to keep that promise. When all things settle, we'll be like close peers again. Well, maybe. I wish I could say that it would be "Just like old times", but I can't guarantee anything. Because a barrier of stricter limitation between us two was created at the moment I opened myself up to you. We can't expect to return to exactly what was before. When things like this happen, it's never the same. Our friendship has been "tarnished"; I understand that IT IS awkward for you. Sad to say, we may never really go back to how things were. And for this, I am very sorry. I admit that the fault is all mine; because I am, and have always been, the problem.

Call me eccentric, dense, impatient, a melancholic sentimental fool, all of these or whatever; this is just who I am.

I wish our next "interaction" would be a literal exchange of words, a real conversation, maybe coupled with laughter for past silly mistakes and misinterpretations. Hopefully that would happen soon. I have faith that what Has To Be, Will Be; because I know that God will give us what we deserve -- and even the things that we don't. I guess this is it. Good luck in everything. I am very happy for you. Be happier. May God bless you and your family always.

-just me talking to you (or is it just, "me talking")?