WHATEVER I DON'T HAVE OR WASN'T ABLE TO

“Whatever I don’t have now or whatever I wasn’t able to achieve, I learned to teach myself to live with my current condition. There have been instances when I ‘asked for’ and worked things out, but they were not granted. Maybe it might have been bad for me if I acquired or accomplished some of my longings.”

– My dialogue with a close friend only a couple of days ago.

I will be a hypocrite if I say that I have no regrets in life. As a matter of fact, I have many. But there is consolation in trying. At least I know I did something, rather than just sit there, wish and wait. I guess sometimes it’s not about what others may call ‘a lack of ambition’; but the presence of, even just a little, contentment. I have always been just a regular guy with simple needs. I’m glad I was able to say that out loud, I didn’t think I would actually do. And that’s the start of acceptance. I hope and pray it gets better.

#BeGrateful                           #countyourblessings

J

POSSESSIONS AND PROXIMITIES

“I know your boss. Do I have to call him up for this?”

The choice of words may be empty of profanity, filth or foul language, but the tone is condescending. And we’re just beginning to talk.

In our vernacular, “Langaw lang na nakatungtong sa ibabaw ng kalabaw, akala niya mas malaki pa siya sa kalabaw” (“Just a housefly sitting on top of an ox thinking it is even larger than the ox itself”); “Bagong-salta na nakahawak lang ng kaunting pera, akala mo na kung sinong mayaman” (“A newbie who happened to hold a sum of money thought he was already some rich guy”). These are truths of misplaced pride: pure arrogance and zero sense, in other words.

It is likely that a number of us can’t handle success. The problem with some individuals is that they tend to boast of having possessions and proximities that aren’t even in ‘full force and effect’ yet. They exaggerate. In my past occasional interactions with genuine affluent people, they don’t need to speak: their complexion, the way they dress (not necessarily the qualities of clothing themselves) and the way they move would always be apparent. The person’s demeanor is harder to fake than the gear. I appreciate the ones who don’t discriminate, because I regard myself as simple and ordinary. If one mocks others for being the “big shot” that he thinks he is, then he’s even cheaper than the level of those he considers poor.

A “self-made mogul?” So what?! I say you’re just plain unripe. Maybe even rotten.

'HOLD ON (IF YOU FEEL LIKE LETTING GO)'

There’s a place in Japan called Aokigahara; it’s a picturesque forest at the foot of Mount Fuji with an eerie reputation. While it is a tourist destination (Mount Fuji being a World Heritage Site), it’s where many desperate people from Tokyo, and from other parts of Japan, come to die. It has been nicknamed “the suicide forest”.

I was able to watch a documentary about it recently, the film itself having depressing undertones, which made me feel very heavy-hearted inside. The delivery of the topic is very serious, supported by psychology and statistics, with a small pinch of satiric humor involving the interview of an actual survivor recollecting his failed attempts (which is quite inappropriate, in my opinion). The writer and/or director may have intentionally inserted it to break the burdensome mood of the documentary.

At the time it was produced (I’m guessing around 2012), Japan’s suicide rate was 30,000 deaths in 17 years, or so that’s the ratio I remember hearing. It’s a very alarming number; twice that of the US and three times that of UK statistics, as what the film also reports. The fast-paced lifestyle of these developed countries may have had a hand in the death of these people. One contributing factor in Japan is their custom of playing it cool with their problems, not really showing or talking about them, because there are other more important things than one’s own difficulties; like saying “I can handle it”, even though the breaking point is already here. Have you ever noticed why Japanese “party hard”? It’s because they work harder, and the pressures of being pioneers in technology and forerunners of innovation are catching up on their personal lives. Another factor appears to be their underground acceptance of the “honorable death” sub-culture, practiced by defeated Samurai warriors in feudal Japan and the Hara-kiri pilots of World War II. Their principle of “death due to disgrace” or “death before surrender” suicide is, in itself, a very twisted “hero” devotion to a worthless cause of conflict. The worst factor adding fuel to the fire is a book written by an idiot author with a title that literally translates, “The Complete Suicide Manual”, which is one the most despicable books ever made. It contains explicit diagrams to assist the readers in their efforts, if they decide to push for a voluntary death. It has direct correlation to a TV series ending in tragedy, which depicts Aokigahara as “a beautiful place to die”. I personally believe the book deserves mass burning of all printed material and the crashing of any website that features it in detail.

One ironic thing about the Aokigahara suicides is that some victims choose to die at places near the forest park pathways, so their bodies could easily be found and prepared with proper burials when their family members claim them. They decided to die alone, but wanted everybody to see what agony they’ve gone through afterward. It’s always very traumatic on the part of any family and it certainly has shocking consequences to unsuspecting tourists taking a hike. A number, however, choose to get lost inside the dense forest where they execute themselves; a survivor symbolically described it as “returning to nature”. Some cadavers have undergone the process of decomposition before being discovered; only leaving bone fragments and a few belongings or articles of clothing behind. These unidentified dead who have decomposed beyond recognition are later cremated and their ashes placed in urns to rest in makeshift ‘temples’. The monk even said that they’re “running out of space”.

There are recurrent cases where a continuous roll of string is tied to successive trees deep into the woods, to guide would-be suicides all the way back to a certain marked location, if they ever change their mind. The mere sight of the entangled string being blown by the wind makes one wonder, what frightening thoughts could have been in the mind of the deceased. Concerned nearby residents always clean the trails and alert authorities in the event they do find human remains. They make it a point to scour and remove personal effects of the corpses so passersby are not reminded of the tragedies that occurred in the area. They try to avoid having items being left behind in conspicuous places, to prevent visitors taking notice and making them conversation topics. A non-governmental organization has placed several signs at the forest entry addressing to would-be suicides to call a hotline before carrying out their plans. Local authorities, on the other hand, have fought that the signs be removed (and have succeeded in some cases), because they scare away tourists and give the place a bad name. The remaining signs still save lives though, as claimed by the NGO. Psychiatrists say there are many influences that trigger such desperate behavior: job losses, love or marriage failures, low self-esteem / humiliation and fatal illnesses all comprise of the reasons. But determining if the cause is economic, emotional, psychological, physical or otherwise can be rendered pointless at the time after the suicide. Monitoring and guiding persons who have displayed such tendencies and giving them hope remain to be a primary act of prevention.

I never imagined I would be some sort of an advocate against this. I am very ashamed to admit that I myself have premeditated on taking my own life when I was just a teenager, a high school junior student, when the idea hit me. My family and our livelihood were in turmoil back then. Being that immature, I guess the petty root was pride. We lived in one of the premier residential villages of the region, but we had nothing to eat. I didn’t even have the money to buy the drowsy prescription drug I intended to take an overdose of. To me, I was deprived of many things – material things that my neighbors and fellow classmates seemed to have easy access to. I knew then that we lived on “opposite” sides of a green field (them being at the center of the pasture and me being at the edge, near the fence), in different worlds almost, despite our daily encounters. I had difficulty even in the intangible aspects: social skills, mainstream behavior and confidence. I sometimes had either too little (wallowing in self-pity) or too much (displaying sarcastic arrogance). It was a struggle; I think I had some sort of personality disorder. I made fun of myself because it was the only way I thought of going about it. I hid under the guise of laughter when I was weeping inside. I was accident-prone: when I was younger, I once fell from our attic and went unconscious for hours (I lived with a blackeye for weeks); there was a time when my face got second degree burns from a stupid “experiment” (a quarter of my face was bandaged for days); I unintentionally scratched 2 layers of skin across my arm just because I was stubborn; I have permanent scars at the bridge of my nose and at the back of my left hand because of my clumsiness; I fell out of a jeepney speeding up. In the aftermath of all these, I experienced not only pain, loss of blood and disfigurement. I suffered ridicule and humiliation. I occasionally got bullied in school. For a very long time, I thought I was different in a way that was embarrassing. I grew up a troubled individual, having a callous demeanor. I felt my life spiral further during our financial downturn. It’s a relief my father had already sold his handgun at that time. I even stole spare bullets from the coat inside his closet, where I once saw him keep the revolver.

When it came to our possessions, virtually everything was for sale. Day after day, quarrels, threats, physical abuse and resentment were the norm in our house, which was itself for sale. I had no one to relate to. I had no friend who had the same predicament or at least went through a similar setback. We were an isolated “loud” family who at one point appeared to be an object of envy to some. I tried taking prohibited drugs. Luckily, my body violently rejected the substances when I first sampled them. I got scared like a little boy. I never would have known how I could have maintained resources to purchase them anyway. I settled on being angry at everybody rather than being melancholic, because it seemed to be a “stronger” choice. I hated God for a while, and stopped “believing” in Him. But deep down, I knew He was still there. I guess you can say I called a truce with Him several years later. Considering the obstacles, it’s a miracle that I actually graduated from the high school I went to. My family never really recovered from the ordeal, both monetarily and psychologically.

I am presently in what others would call a 4-year depression. One even called it my mid-life crisis. Practically speaking, the whole current scenario (which is made up of different facets of my life) isn’t actually a very serious problem. I would have treated it differently if I am not where I am right now. I know I am partly to blame, if anything is ever really lacking in my life. We are answerable for our mistakes, but we opt on being survivors. Fortunately, I have never considered suicide again and I pray I never will. Four years can be a significant amount of time, but whatever dilemma I may have continued to encounter, I learned to live with it. I am very grateful for that.

NO DYSFUNCTION, NO FINANCIAL CRISIS, NO FAILURE OR LOSS CAN EVER BE ENOUGH TO MAKE TAKING YOUR OWN LIFE AN OPTION AS A WAY OUT. 

Our lives are not really ours. Life was given as a gift from The Creator, He who has the only right to give and take it. I believe that there is a hell, and it is a destination for eternal damnation to those who never let God make a difference in their lives. That includes suicide. You’ll have no opportunity to turn back, no chance to make it right. Physical death is irreversible, let nature or fate be the harbingers. TRY TELLING THIS TO YOURSELF: “I MUST NOT BE SELFISH. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME.” By the time I realized this in my life, I felt sorry; not for myself, but for every heartache I have caused and will continue to cause if I carried out what I had in mind. I was miserable because I was egocentric and reckless. At the very least, think of your loved ones. No matter how alone you think you might be, there will always be those who care about you -- the people who will mourn for the rest of their lives because of your tragic passing. They will always be mentally disturbed because of your death. That’s a permanent scar that can take a lifetime to accept, if ever heal at all. My father had a friend who wasn’t really that close to him who appeared to have taken his own life when he died. The possibility of foul play was not ruled out; he was hung in a perverse manner. He had a lot of problems in life, and apparently he had many enemies as well. But even then, when we heard the news it felt so surreal, in a gruesome way, causing goosebumps all over. The thought of it was really horrific.

Think twice, think twenty thousand times more. It’s just not worth it. CHOOSE TO LIVE. ENDURE. We will have to meet our end later eventually, whether we like it or not.

I thank God that I am a member of a Church worth attending; I have friends who are Brothers and Sisters in the real sense; and we have Preachers who stand for Truth and Compassion. If you feel desperate and hopeless, we are here. I don’t want to sound too preachy because it doesn’t fit me. I have made many mistakes in life, and as a human being I continue to do so. I sometimes feel too hypocritical about myself. But nevertheless, I highly recommend the following link and website (which is a far better read):         

http://www.controversyextraordinary.com/2015/12/suicide-is-not-a-solution.html

http://www.controversyextraordinary.com/

…and this song, with a meaningful and emotional music video. I made a shameful confession in this write-up, but if it inspires anyone at all to choose life over an unfavorable death, I hope I’ve caused a positive impact in some way.

(I do not own the video)

HOLD ON (IF YOU FEEL LIKE LETTING GO) by Good Charlotte

(With excerpt interviews of loved ones)

“He was 17 years old… He was our friend,

He was our little baby, even though he was 17 years old.”
“When she died, she was only 15.”
“Her name was Erin, and she was, uh, 19.”
“He couldn’t live with what he had done so he took his own life…
And worse I ever hear still, that they were with us.”
“…‘cause I know what it’s like to be a survivor,
I know what it’s like… to be left behind.”

This world, this world is cold

But you don't, you don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do

And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go

Hold on, it gets better than you know

Your days, you say they're way too long

And your nights, you can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you don't want to know more
And you're not sure what you're looking for
But you don't want to know more

But we all bleed the same way as you do

And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go

Hold on, it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer

Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on

“He committed suicide, he… he shot himself in the head.”

“I lost my boyfriend to suicide, he was 26 years old.”
“I, I don’t think I would have ever seen it coming.”
“I think I know that he’s listening, and IF he is…
I just want him to know I love him.”
“It’s not the right order of things;
you’re not supposed to bury your children, they’re supposed to bury you.”
“The last thing he said to me was, ‘Have a fun time with grandma, mom,
and I’ll see you on Monday’; and I’ll be waiting for Monday the rest of my life.”

What are you looking for?

What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead, what are you waiting for?

Hold on, if you feel like letting go

Hold on, it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer

Don't stop searching, it's not over

Hold on, if you feel like letting go

Hold on, it gets better than you know
Hold on…

“I always wonder what I would be like if my father were still alive.”

“Hang on ‘cause… everybody goes through it.”
“I’ve tried to hurt myself but I’m… I’m glad I’m still here.”
"There’s always a way out, ALWAYS.
I can’t imagine not being here now.”
“It’s okay to get help… you’re gonna miss out on so much.”