A DISCUSSION WITH MY CONSCIENCE

“Screw this! We stick to the plan…”

“…We’ve still got a long way to go before the intended time. We shall let it come to pass and we will decide what we make of what we have by then. This is what we agreed upon with ‘Top Management’. It is they who know best. We shall honor the arrangement.”

“I can’t help it. I’m not saying that I’m suffocating from the restriction here.”

“You shouldn’t. We are at liberty. But at who’s expense? What is my purpose if not to stop you from making a mess again? You failed a few times already. Let me show you a clearer picture, it’s embarrassing!”

“…We have goals set. You’ve started working on them. These are basic prerequisites, even for other things. Do they mean anything at all to you? Do not deviate! We should at least try, if not accomplish in full.”   

“With our time frame? Impossible. Well, almost. Do you know who sound like right now? You sound just like me.”

“And just like you, I know it’s not negativity. It’s not fiction, either. One step at a time, buddy. We’ll get to where we ought to be. Granting we get what we want now, what then? What real fulfillment is there in instant gratification? We only move on to a higher plane of another desire. We work for our goals, be cautious in our moves. If we fall, we fall. We get back up again with help.”

“…And that’s exactly what ‘Top Management’ is all about. To help us if we fail along the way.”

I imagine myself talking my thoughts with an imaginary humanoid – a cliché personification of my conscience. A bit similar to the ‘angel-and-devil-at-opposite-sides-of-a-gullible-human’ satire. Except, instead of three characters, there are only two: he is the ‘angel’ and I am the ‘devil’, an antagonist unto myself. A version strangely closer to reality.

Not a sidekick, but an emissary and a consoling friend. Our conscience is our ally.

Anything with this much pain involved is worth the wait. But we won’t just wait, we must work.

“We shall let the intended time come to pass and we will decide what we make of what we have by then”. Indeed.

'FAVOR' SPEECHES

Quite some time ago, I was asked to compose separate speeches for two aspiring politicians. We weren’t related, I hardly knew them and I didn’t believe in their cause. They were referred to me by common connections. It was the first time they were to speak in front of a large civilian crowd. Both of them were “biglang-yaman” and thought of themselves as very important people. I hate to say it, but it has become a common tendency of human beings to change for the worse when they start to feel a little comfort in life, especially if the transition is abrupt. They were expecting that I would finish the speeches in just a few hours and that I would do them FOR FREE. It may have been a “small” favor, but of course I declined. Years later, one was imprisoned and I never heard from the other one again after he lost an election. They turned out to be scammers. Imagine, paano na lang kaya kung nanalo talaga sila?

#kapalngmukha                     #knowyourcandidates

SUPPRESSION AND ACCEPTANCE

As I’ve said before, I’m starting to accept that I may not be fit to be anybody’s “better half” at all. I was never good at relationships. I guess I will always be alone. I do my best not to bother her anymore, although I always had a problem with any form of suppression. I’ve been a nuisance for far too long. I can’t sleep, I’m unfocused at work and I have a loss of appetite. (But Not getting to eat sometimes is a good thing. It helps the body repair itself and be cleansed of toxins. I hope my own toxicity ceases.) To sever this yearning, even if it’s like a poison unto myself, has proven to be difficult. Time and again it resembles a vicious cycle of diagnosis, treatment and backslide to addiction. I’m tired. I want to become numb. I need to exterminate this once and for all. It has been inappropriately elevated to “obsession”. Why would anybody want to pester someone who’s already fine on her own?

They say that “we get what we deserve”. All my life, I’ve been an insensitive person. I am now reaping what I have sown. The damage is done. It will never be the same again. I’ve got to work on hastening full acceptance. Because with full acceptance, comes the road to recovery; and with the road to recovery, comes inner peace.

BE TRULY HAPPY FOR THEM!

If at one point you find yourself parting ways with others saying “May God bless you”, and they turn out being blessed abundantly… then be truly happy for them! It means your prayers for them were heard and answered! J

#positivevibes                       #dontletenvyin

RISKS

We’ve always been taught in Church that if something feels wrong, discontinue. Don’t even start if the doubt comes crashing at the intro, whatever that something is. I (and most probably many more Brethren) have made this a default mechanism; or is it instinct now? This eliminates risk, which some choose not to face. But it can’t be applied to every single thing one encounters. Some risks are worth taking if they would allow one to grow. The challenge is choosing which risks are considerable.