As I’ve
said before, I’m starting to accept that
I may not be fit to be anybody’s “better half” at all. I was never good at
relationships. I guess I will always be alone. I do my best not to bother
her anymore, although I always had a problem with any form of suppression. I’ve
been a nuisance for far too long. I can’t sleep, I’m unfocused at work and I
have a loss of appetite. (But Not getting to eat sometimes is a good thing. It
helps the body repair itself and be cleansed of toxins. I hope my own toxicity
ceases.) To sever this yearning, even if it’s like a poison unto myself, has
proven to be difficult. Time and again it resembles a vicious cycle of
diagnosis, treatment and backslide to addiction. I’m tired. I want to become
numb. I need to exterminate this once and for all. It has been inappropriately elevated
to “obsession”. Why would anybody want to pester someone who’s already fine on
her own?
They
say that “we get what we deserve”. All my life, I’ve been an insensitive person.
I am now reaping what I have sown. The damage is done. It will never be the
same again. I’ve got to work on hastening full
acceptance. Because with full acceptance, comes the road to recovery; and
with the road to recovery, comes inner peace.
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