I'm Still Here - Vertical Horizon

"I'M STILL HERE" by Vertical Horizon

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away

'Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow, the rivers flow
Where you are, I never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong,
Why are you the one who's gone?
And I'm still here
Still here...

I've seen the ashes in my heart
I smile the widest when I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I try to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place

But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be

The cities grow, the rivers flow
Where you are, I never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong,
Why are you the one who's gone?
And I'm still here

Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Then I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
And you just walked away

'Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow, the rivers flow
Where you are, I never know
But I'm still here (I'm still here)
If you were right and I was wrong,
Why are you the one who's gone?
And I'm still here

The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you go you can't return
But I'm still here (Oh, I'm still here)
Remember how you used to say,
I'd be the one to run away?
But I'm still here!

I'm still here

Still here...

PICK UP THE PIECES

Erratically we are of glass, brittle: breakable.

On occasion we may be clear, at that we can bend light to reveal a full spectrum.

At times we may take tints and be decorative, playful to the eyes as can be.
Every now and then we may be accidentally struck.

As soon as we are, we pick up the pieces of what once was. The shards, even minute splinters, cut us. Like most broken things, we try our best to glue it all back together but it will never be the same again. The cracks are permanent and there are bits missing, lost as shrapnel when the shattering occurred. We do this over and over, albeit not really conscious sometimes, and we are left battered.

But time and again, we will endure…

Until we get it right.

When each fragment is at its smallest, we are melted down and molded yet again.  

To begin anew. To become once more.

We correlate the repetitive process to “practice”.

Because similarly, it is in practice that we obtain dexterity; and it is in practice that we “make perfect”.

Black Lab - Without You

"WITHOUT YOU" by Black Lab

Keep the pictures we took
Keep the records and the books
Tell me, what it was that went wrong?
I think about California
I think about getting out of here
I think I'll change my name
I know I'll never be the same

Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
No matter where I go or what I do
I'll always be in love with you
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)

I know you're sick of me now
I know you're sick of my advice
I never learned to keep it to myself
I think about California
I think about burning down this town
I think I'll change my name
Maybe you should do the same

Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
No matter where I go or what I do
I'll always be in love with you
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)

Tell me, what did I do?
What did I say?
How could I end up this way?
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)

Without you

And just this once, pretend
Forget that I was drunk that night when I said
Said that I would jump a mile to my death
If you should ever leave
You promised that you'd always be with me
Are your black eyes turning blue?
'Cause I just can't live

Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
No matter where I go or what I do
I'll always be in love with you
Without you (aahh)
Yeah, without you (aahh)
Yeah, without you (aahh)
Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala

Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)
Without you (aahh)

Without you... ooohhh... ooohhh... ooohhh...

Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus (Boyce Avenue feat. Diamond White cover)

I never thought I would ever like a Miley Cyrus song. Boyce Avenue (and Diamond White) make it sound so much more appealing! :-)


"WRECKING BALL" cover by Boyce Avenue featuring Diamond White

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you... you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you... you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in (wanted you to let me in)
And instead of using force (using force)
Guess I should've let you win (aaaahhhh)
I never meant to start a war
Just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you... wreck me
Yeah, you... you wreck me

TWO OPPOSING EMOTIONS

I HATE MYSELF. Because for a very long time, I didn’t budge an inch. In life. And in love. Even when I thought I was moving back and forth, I didn’t really move at all. I hate myself because I can’t progress forward; I’m stuck in one place on both issues, and I feel like a villain in somebody else’s love affair.

I hate that what I’ve worked for hasn’t been recognized for a long time, both quantitatively and qualitatively, instead they find fault and reward the undeserving. Those who do appreciate are outsiders who have no power over my advancement. I hate that I’m counterproductive, because I bring my lovelornness to my workplace; or a stronger reason could be because I’m fed up with the system. I hate myself for being always too obvious; I can’t help staying away from my enemies at work; that I can’t even have lunch with them for the sake of camaraderie. I guess being too honest with one’s self has its down side. I hate myself for having the tendency to envy others for what they have “achieved” in their lives, while I remain to be just “plain old me”; I hate that I possess attributes of both absurdity and dysfunction, even in the physical. I hate myself for not being able to afford many things for my household, for not being the opulent provider they expect me to be. I hate myself that I am a “failure” in other people’s eyes.

I hate myself because I’m still not glad enough to accept that what’s supposed to be, is what apparently is right now. But even though I came to hate myself because of others, I love them anyway.

I’M GLAD. That there’s a place like this, a virtual journal where I could vent my frustrations. A place where I can say what I want to and not feel the need to please anyone, be myself whether another living soul would sympathize with me or not. A place aside from Prayer where I can find strength to hold it all together, to somehow keep my sanity. I’m glad some of my obligations are met, even if they are reciprocated with whines for a more comfortable living. I’m glad I’m still not a bootlicker, nor would I ever wish to be one, even though hypocritically befriending my incompetent co-workers and superiors may be my ticket to a better life. I’m glad I’m generally happy at work, either intermittently or constantly within the confines of my workstation’s walls, apart from the occasional bastard of both external and internal official matters. I’m glad I sometimes feel content and unaffected despite being in the middle of criticisms and defamations.

I’m glad I know at the very least I tried more than twice; that maybe it was enough to assure me what isn’t meant to be. I’m glad she’s enjoying her success, that she’s going places, perhaps even feeling fulfilled. And although I know many others continually pray for her, I want to believe I’m part of it even just in the sidelines; that even though the “barricades” we’ve built between the two of us are higher and sturdier than ever before, at least one of us is happy.

I didn’t regret loving her. I never planned for it to happen, it simply came to be.

The only mistake I consider was not knowing beforehand that there is another one ahead of me.

I’m glad I don’t hate myself for having loved and not regretting it.
Because love, per se, is a beautiful thing.

"LONG TIME NO SEE"

College Classmate: “Uyy… Kumusta ka na? Parang hindi ka tumatanda, ah. What’s your secret? Hiyang?”

Me: “Hehehe… Hindi naman sa ganun. Matagal na talaga akong mukhang matanda, eh. Humahabol na lang muna ang edad ko sa hitsura ko ngayon! HAHAHA!!!”

High School Classmate: “Uyy… Kumusta ka na? Parang hindi ka tumatanda, ah. TUMATABA NGA LANG.”

Me: “Buwiset.”