TWO OPPOSING EMOTIONS

I HATE MYSELF. Because for a very long time, I didn’t budge an inch. In life. And in love. Even when I thought I was moving back and forth, I didn’t really move at all. I hate myself because I can’t progress forward; I’m stuck in one place on both issues, and I feel like a villain in somebody else’s love affair.

I hate that what I’ve worked for hasn’t been recognized for a long time, both quantitatively and qualitatively, instead they find fault and reward the undeserving. Those who do appreciate are outsiders who have no power over my advancement. I hate that I’m counterproductive, because I bring my lovelornness to my workplace; or a stronger reason could be because I’m fed up with the system. I hate myself for being always too obvious; I can’t help staying away from my enemies at work; that I can’t even have lunch with them for the sake of camaraderie. I guess being too honest with one’s self has its down side. I hate myself for having the tendency to envy others for what they have “achieved” in their lives, while I remain to be just “plain old me”; I hate that I possess attributes of both absurdity and dysfunction, even in the physical. I hate myself for not being able to afford many things for my household, for not being the opulent provider they expect me to be. I hate myself that I am a “failure” in other people’s eyes.

I hate myself because I’m still not glad enough to accept that what’s supposed to be, is what apparently is right now. But even though I came to hate myself because of others, I love them anyway.

I’M GLAD. That there’s a place like this, a virtual journal where I could vent my frustrations. A place where I can say what I want to and not feel the need to please anyone, be myself whether another living soul would sympathize with me or not. A place aside from Prayer where I can find strength to hold it all together, to somehow keep my sanity. I’m glad some of my obligations are met, even if they are reciprocated with whines for a more comfortable living. I’m glad I’m still not a bootlicker, nor would I ever wish to be one, even though hypocritically befriending my incompetent co-workers and superiors may be my ticket to a better life. I’m glad I’m generally happy at work, either intermittently or constantly within the confines of my workstation’s walls, apart from the occasional bastard of both external and internal official matters. I’m glad I sometimes feel content and unaffected despite being in the middle of criticisms and defamations.

I’m glad I know at the very least I tried more than twice; that maybe it was enough to assure me what isn’t meant to be. I’m glad she’s enjoying her success, that she’s going places, perhaps even feeling fulfilled. And although I know many others continually pray for her, I want to believe I’m part of it even just in the sidelines; that even though the “barricades” we’ve built between the two of us are higher and sturdier than ever before, at least one of us is happy.

I didn’t regret loving her. I never planned for it to happen, it simply came to be.

The only mistake I consider was not knowing beforehand that there is another one ahead of me.

I’m glad I don’t hate myself for having loved and not regretting it.
Because love, per se, is a beautiful thing.