I’m really beginning to dislike December now.
Seven years.
This thing I’ve felt for seven years now for one woman has brought me a great deal
of pain and sadness. All the melodramatic BULLSHIT here will not even affect her in any way. The
feeling was never reciprocated; I was an unwanted "suitor". Over and over, I’ve despised
myself for it. Only lingering false hopes ensued. Maybe it’s time to finally
kill the feeling. Its death is long overdue, anyway. I’ve been an idiot for so
long!
I was
indecisive at first, but I’m glad I went to see you all. It was a happy night.
It only didn’t end well for me (as usual).
My desire to
post something like “Whatever happened to subtlety?” is laughable. Because I
myself know I lack it. SCREW SUBTLETY! Nobody reads this blog anyway!!
I’m quite sure
this is verbatim; but for the sake of argument, I will say that ‘it went
something like:’
“Happy
birthday… kung bibigyan kita ng regalo ngayon, tatanggapin mo ba? Ang tagal na
rin kasi nito, eh.”
“Siyempre
hindi!! Sa ‘yo na lang yan!!” – If you would only be able to hear that, there
was no hesitation on the answer; and the intonation… it was like there was a
sarcastic response template ready for any possible question. That was the last
straw. I realized that it takes one tactless and indifferent person to offend another fellow tactless and indifferent person. And I don’t feel like I’m lying when I
say this mockery. That’s how fierce you were to me. I don’t know where all that
animosity I felt from you was coming from. Pardon me if I fell for you. I’m so
stupid! I can't help but sense that you've changed. I MISS YOUR FORMER SELF. SHE WAS HUMBLER.
I did what you implied, by the way. I ate the chocolates I
intended to give you. Remorsefully. HAHAHA!!! Bittersweet! (Pun intended.) I’m giving
away the notepad which I thought was pretty enough for you. It would be a shame
if I put it to waste. And nevermind the engraved name, at least now I have a (“new”)
Parker pen with matching original refill. Almost two years "on the shelf", and it
still writes smoothly! Hehehe… Relish the small things.
It’s so hard to
get through to you, you know that?! I try to talk to you but for some reason
the conversation is always cut short. Sometimes
you don’t even look at me straight in the eye. But how can you? What would
someone like you want to do with a fat, old slob like me? Who has already told
you how he feels about you? Do I really disgust you that much?! Well, maybe. I
almost forgot why I rarely look in the mirror anymore.
I let my best
friend hear what I wanted to say to you, because let’s face it – we all know
that I can never catch you alone. And even if I could, you will still find a
way to escape the “head-on collision”.
I know there’s
a certain element of “destiny” in our Faith when it comes to these matters, but
one has got to start somewhere. We can’t just expect “everything to fall into
place all by themselves”; one also needs to do something as a first step. I’m
sorry if I felt a glimmer of hope in you. It was my mistake. I failed again. As
small a matter as it may seem, you hurt me again. For the Nth time. BUT there
is some consolation in the fact that I tried. At least for the final time. I
will never bother you anymore.
I always
considered you to be a cleaner, more righteous individual than me; not only
because it’s doctrine, but also because it’s the truth. Seriously speaking, I
really hope you’re happier now. Well, you must be. It shows. You’re now more
beautiful than I ever saw you were before. I hope it hasn’t gotten into your
head. I hope it never does. It’s just that… I felt you became more cynical, overall. LIKE A REAL BITCH! I
hope I’m wrong.
My self-imposed
deadline is coming up. (SO WHAT?! WHO CARES, REALLY?!) Hopefully as soon as it
passes, perhaps you will finally have your peace as I drift further away.
I just want to
make it clear that my deadline was never a reason for my attempts to get close
to you again. It was an advice from a friend, who told me to give a (sort of) “cut-off”
when to stop looking for signs. I have to save me from the suffering at some
point, to be fair to myself. It was said that it would be psychologically beneficial
for me. In this facet of life, no one can literally wait forever. The issue is
not really the “time” aspect, but the “is-there-something-here-for-us”
kind of thing. I guess that part where we have a one-on-one, face-to-face “closure” talk
will never happen. SCREW CLOSURE! I’m letting it end!! I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY I’M SO ANGRY….
It may sound
unbelievable, but I was never in a hurry… I just wanted affirmation. I was
still willing to wait for you if you gave me a hint that I had a
fighting chance. But it always seemed you didn't want to talk to me. You don't even want us to be friends on social media because you said it's "uncomfortable". So be it. I don’t want to further waste my remaining time on earth on
something that will never be. I’m tired of looking forward to nothing. Whenever I
start to make a move, you stop me on my tracks. None of that matters now.
From what I
see, I think God is protecting you from me. You are the more esteemed one,
after all. People will always see you right. And I will always be the antagonist in everybody’s eyes. I have partially
come to accept that. That’s how I feel about this whole thing right now. And
maybe that’s what’s true. Good for you!
I want to stay
positive but I feel like I regret everything. I want to forgive you... well, I guess I do. Who am I not to? Eventually all fingers will point back at me. No one cares; I feel so helpless.
What can I do about it, anyway?! I want to say that I
will still be here IF in case you need anything. I hope this feeling of
loss will not push me to hate you.
I want
everything to subside... the love I felt, this anger and the need to
feel.
