THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE ME

It’s not exactly a disease per se, but you may very well treat it to be – a “disorder”.

It has been around since my pre-school years. I’ve never really been able to shake it off, not even temporarily. I think about it now and I realize how it has “shaped” my social life dramatically. Even in my life’s important events, it always somehow got in the way. Up to this very day, it dictates my everyday decisions; my daily routine. I find it very difficult to handle, but it has its benefits somehow. It totally depends on how you look at it.

My deceased uncle had the same impairment. I remember him once saying to me: “Pareho pala tayo ng ‘sakit’!” I don’t know how he handled it in his life; I was too shy to ask back then. It’s too late to wonder and ask about it now, but he may have been the only one in the family who truly understood me. Another uncle had a similar condition, but far more severe. My tita is a nurse, so she took good care of him when she still had the opportunity. Sadly, he has also passed away just recently. Two classmates of mine had it too, when we were in college. They had their ways. I don’t exactly know how they go about it now.

I got lucky a few times when I needed a “remedy” the most. But it isn’t always so. It has humiliated me several times, but such is life. It’s simple but silly, unusually excessive but beneficial in some way (weird!), all rolled into one. I’m quite sure the average person doesn’t have this; it’s not that common at all. To some extent, it is still a bit psychological. But I can’t help it, it’s just so unpredictable sometimes!

This is just one of my many, many flaws. I was born this way. I may not like it sometimes but I know it was given to me for my own good. At my age, it’s now coupled with another embarrassing trait which has been “aggravated” over the years.

IF ever there’s a special someone who can fully accept this as being an almost inseparable part of me, then she must truly love me to be able to do so. What a wonderful thought that would be! But perhaps she is only a remote probability at this point. Or perhaps she doesn’t exist.

Just keeping it real.