😶

 Let's just see what happens...

"THE CONVERSATION"

It wasn’t exactly a pub, but more like a rustic café. The place was beautiful: full of varnished wood & transparent incandescent bulbs, it was very bright. The scene started like we were in the middle of a long conversation. The sounds (voices & music) were faint at first, until it slowly increased to normal. We sat face-to-face, on opposite ends of a small square table, in the middle of it all. There were a moderate number of people, it wasn’t full and it was comfortable. I don’t know if we had eaten, but we each had a glass of lemon water.

“This is the real deal. Stay with me.”, you concluded.

“Yes, of course. I plan to.”, I replied.

I don’t know what we talked about, there were no documents in front of us, but the last lines seemed like a sales pitch for a business opportunity meeting of a multi-level marketing scheme. HAHAHA!!! 😅😂🤣

We continued to talk seriously, we laughed hilariously in between, you even showed pictures on your phone and explained things. I loved it! You appeared to be a recognizable customer there because people greeted you as they passed by, near our table. I noticed they called you “Lyn” or maybe “Lynne”, doesn’t matter how it’s spelled, it sounds like “Lin”. (Whatever happened to “Kim”? I was so confused.) Maybe it’s ‘Kim-Lin’ or ‘Lin-Kim’, you dressed like a K-drama star, after all. Red turtleneck long-sleeve sweater, skirt and high heel boots. As in W-O-W! Fierce!! 🥰

And then there was a long, awkward pause.

You stood up, grabbed your bag and said, “Okkaayyy…”

I held your hand and said, “Wait, can’t we dance?”— Very strange.

“Not just yet. There are things needed to be done. I’ve got to go. But stay with me, please?”, saying it with a smile, in a casual but heartwarming manner. –“Yes, I will.”

I heard a familiar song in the background and murmured to myself: “I know this 90s song; I like this.” I plainly couldn’t understand why I can’t recall the title. I later searched for it.

Then we went out. I remember holding the door for you.

___

I dream almost every other night: twice a week or more. But they’re mostly a tangled mess. With you, it’s different. There is always some logical pattern of a believable story or exchange of lines. And the details I see… beautiful! I can almost get architectural and interior design “advice” from it. I simply have to rest well, and it comes. It’s not 100% streamline perfect, I do cut off some silly things, instead of adding more dramatic details. I want to be as close to the original (“as-I-saw-and-heard-it”) as possible. It’s satisfying for me. That’s why I love it when I see you… you bring that sort of order, even just in my sleep. 😊☺

I don’t have to tell how I still feel about you; I think you're aware of it. I ought to be happy if you’re happy. Maybe I am. You should also know that I am always here for you.

Stay safe and take care of yourself. However busy you are right now, may God always bless you and keep you, along with all of your loved ones. 🙏💗

THIS WAS THAT SONG:

(I DO NOT OWN THE MUSIC)

“HOLD ON” by Side A

Yes, it's you...

You're the one in my life I've known

From the start that it's you I'd spend forever with

So please hold on with me...

 

You know

So well that we can't last a day

Without each other

You're all I have and I'm all that's there

To keep you goin'

 

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on

It may not be for long...

Just keep on holdin' on with me...

 

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on

It may not be for long...

Just keep on holdin' on with me...

 

Funny how

We both try to show that we

Don't really care

But deep inside the thing that matters

Is to have you...

By my side

 

Let the tears

Roll down, that's okay because

Tomorrow no one's goin' away

Just let this be and hold on with me

Hold on with me

 

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on

It may not be for long...

Just keep on holdin' on with me...

 

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on

It may not be for long...

Just keep on holdin' on with me...

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on

It may not be for long...

Just keep on holdin' on with me...

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on

It may not be for long...

Just keep on holdin' on with me...

your Voice

I didn’t pay attention to a friend’s request to like, subscribe and share a new channel he’s supporting. This teaches me to always check first.

I’m so proud of you!!! (Even though I have no right to be.) After a very long time, I heard your voice again. 🥳 Only, not in a live-in-person sense. At least to some extent, one of my wishes is granted. I knew you were going to eventually take this type of endeavor, given your talent & attributes. I’m very impressed. The videos look clean & crisp and the voice over sounds so nice & cute. 🙃😅 I think it would be very unfeasible if you did this all by yourself. You did say, “Help us grow ‘OUR’ channel by liking and sharing ‘OUR’ videos.” It makes me think, though, who your business “partner” in this venture is. Does the ‘2’ in the channel name refer to the ‘2’ of you? Maybe you 2 DO make a good “team”! He's a video editor in our broadcast network, after all.

His given name even sounds like my surname, only spelled with a one letter difference. Yes, I know who he is. I have sources. I’ve seen him in person and observed him up close when I was in the adventure camp last December. I don’t know if he noticed or if he is even aware of me. I’ve also seen him as the main character in one episode of our drama series. He has a receding hairline, a very toned & masculine physique, but has a seemingly effeminate aura— I’M REALLY SORRY, maybe it’s the jealousy speaking, I’m just being honest about my opinion.

But who am I to judge? Surely, you know better. Friends say you even post pictures of him now in social media. I’m glad I don’t see it… because I’ll actually get so jealous!!! I always think: “Why would someone do an elaborate story and back it up, just to repel suitors? Why fool people? That would be absurd and exhausting!!” One could only wish to maintain a number of friends who are in on it for a limited amount of time, if ever there really is such an “act”. So maybe, you truly are in love with him. I’m just worried that you’re blinded and he’s only using you to prove something and “validate” himself; and I can’t get that out of my mind! I want you to be happy. Heterosexual women who marry queer men suffer in the end. But he seems to be a nice guy, at least he's that. Anyway, the hints of our Minister are simply stronger. HAHAHA… again, I’m really sorry!!! ✌😂

I wanted to subscribe, but what is one person? My subscription won’t matter by the time you’ll have reached thousands of subscribers. (I do hope you reach thousands and thousands, as many as you can.) I didn't like or share, you might see my name and just get upset. You said you weren't comfortable being friends with me. As long as you still don’t express that you’ll accept me if I follow you again, even if it’s just in social media, I won’t bother anymore. I want you to have that peace. You may have already seen, in whatever control settings the system has, that I’ve watched the videos. (Un)Fortunately, I could not erase my contributions to the “views” count. I’m slowly learning to dissect my mixed emotions about this.

I really don’t know why I have this “blind” faith and hope in you. The ‘faith’ and ‘hope’ are there, but the “you”— not so confident about that. Maybe it’s just “Faith and Hope”, in general. The warm, fuzzy feeling still manifests itself when I think of you, there is a constant concern for your betterment and a desire to be with you for the rest of my life persists. I have never felt anything quite as enduring and as intense for any lady who has ever crossed my life! I don’t tell many people about this... I strive hard to maintain a quiet composure, if there is any form of composure in me at all. Regarding my continuity for this kind of affection for you, I guess we’ll know by November… if your marriage plans with him shall push through or not.

So grow. Flourish. And as I’ve said many times before, be happier… you’re beautiful the way you are, with or without somebody right next to you. May God keep you and continue to bless you. However things are, I LOVE YOU. That remains. 🙏💗😊

"Teppanyaki"

Our close friend was hired as a chef in a newly-opened Japanese restaurant in town. He invited us to the grand opening. On the day itself, I saw him performing serious Teppanyaki skills in front of a dining audience. I saw two more of our common friends shouting, “Wow… magic, magic!” I laughed so hard, it was like they were “planted” audience in on the whole act or just amazed 40-year-old “children”. Either way, very supportive friends. HAHAHA!!! 😆😂🤣

And then I saw you, sitting alone on a two-seater. I got self-conscious, noticing you were staring at me, smiling.

“Hi.”

“Are you with someone?”

“No, the other seat is vacant. Care for some Katsudon?”

(I can’t even remember what ‘Katsudon’ is, it’s been such a long time since I last tried Japanese cuisine. I have had indigestion in the past with their raw-meat recipes. I had to google it after waking up. Hehehe…) 

“Sure, if it’s with you!” 🙃

Then you giggled— a lovely sound you make which I miss so much. I sat there staring at you, like it’s my turn… you are so pretty, it’s as if you’re “coming of age”, you appeared so interesting as well because you wore cute baggy pants which I think suited your style. Then the rice bowls arrived at our table, with some other side dishes. “Dig in”, you said. And that was it. Abruptly cut again. I didn’t even see how we enjoyed our Katsudon together… I “hate” it when a dream leaves me hanging!! In our vernacular, “bitin na bitin!!” Very open-ended. HAHAHA!!! 😅😊

___

My OFW friend started messaging me again yesterday. She has some issues with things, like “life plans not exactly going well”. I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say. And then I remembered you. I just thought of you, I don’t know why. Then I stopped replying to her messages.

I miss our friends and having a good laugh with them. But most of all, I miss you.

Covid is disrupting our world. I have two co-workers who’ve already died (indirectly) because of it. May God always protect you and your loved ones. Stay safe. I love you. 🙏💗