your Voice

I didn’t pay attention to a friend’s request to like, subscribe and share a new channel he’s supporting. This teaches me to always check first.

I’m so proud of you!!! (Even though I have no right to be.) After a very long time, I heard your voice again. 🥳 Only, not in a live-in-person sense. At least to some extent, one of my wishes is granted. I knew you were going to eventually take this type of endeavor, given your talent & attributes. I’m very impressed. The videos look clean & crisp and the voice over sounds so nice & cute. 🙃😅 I think it would be very unfeasible if you did this all by yourself. You did say, “Help us grow ‘OUR’ channel by liking and sharing ‘OUR’ videos.” It makes me think, though, who your business “partner” in this venture is. Does the ‘2’ in the channel name refer to the ‘2’ of you? Maybe you 2 DO make a good “team”! He's a video editor in our broadcast network, after all.

His given name even sounds like my surname, only spelled with a one letter difference. Yes, I know who he is. I have sources. I’ve seen him in person and observed him up close when I was in the adventure camp last December. I don’t know if he noticed or if he is even aware of me. I’ve also seen him as the main character in one episode of our drama series. He has a receding hairline, a very toned & masculine physique, but has a seemingly effeminate aura— I’M REALLY SORRY, maybe it’s the jealousy speaking, I’m just being honest about my opinion.

But who am I to judge? Surely, you know better. Friends say you even post pictures of him now in social media. I’m glad I don’t see it… because I’ll actually get so jealous!!! I always think: “Why would someone do an elaborate story and back it up, just to repel suitors? Why fool people? That would be absurd and exhausting!!” One could only wish to maintain a number of friends who are in on it for a limited amount of time, if ever there really is such an “act”. So maybe, you truly are in love with him. I’m just worried that you’re blinded and he’s only using you to prove something and “validate” himself; and I can’t get that out of my mind! I want you to be happy. Heterosexual women who marry queer men suffer in the end. But he seems to be a nice guy, at least he's that. Anyway, the hints of our Minister are simply stronger. HAHAHA… again, I’m really sorry!!! ✌😂

I wanted to subscribe, but what is one person? My subscription won’t matter by the time you’ll have reached thousands of subscribers. (I do hope you reach thousands and thousands, as many as you can.) I didn't like or share, you might see my name and just get upset. You said you weren't comfortable being friends with me. As long as you still don’t express that you’ll accept me if I follow you again, even if it’s just in social media, I won’t bother anymore. I want you to have that peace. You may have already seen, in whatever control settings the system has, that I’ve watched the videos. (Un)Fortunately, I could not erase my contributions to the “views” count. I’m slowly learning to dissect my mixed emotions about this.

I really don’t know why I have this “blind” faith and hope in you. The ‘faith’ and ‘hope’ are there, but the “you”— not so confident about that. Maybe it’s just “Faith and Hope”, in general. The warm, fuzzy feeling still manifests itself when I think of you, there is a constant concern for your betterment and a desire to be with you for the rest of my life persists. I have never felt anything quite as enduring and as intense for any lady who has ever crossed my life! I don’t tell many people about this... I strive hard to maintain a quiet composure, if there is any form of composure in me at all. Regarding my continuity for this kind of affection for you, I guess we’ll know by November… if your marriage plans with him shall push through or not.

So grow. Flourish. And as I’ve said many times before, be happier… you’re beautiful the way you are, with or without somebody right next to you. May God keep you and continue to bless you. However things are, I LOVE YOU. That remains. 🙏💗😊

"Teppanyaki"

Our close friend was hired as a chef in a newly-opened Japanese restaurant in town. He invited us to the grand opening. On the day itself, I saw him performing serious Teppanyaki skills in front of a dining audience. I saw two more of our common friends shouting, “Wow… magic, magic!” I laughed so hard, it was like they were “planted” audience in on the whole act or just amazed 40-year-old “children”. Either way, very supportive friends. HAHAHA!!! 😆😂🤣

And then I saw you, sitting alone on a two-seater. I got self-conscious, noticing you were staring at me, smiling.

“Hi.”

“Are you with someone?”

“No, the other seat is vacant. Care for some Katsudon?”

(I can’t even remember what ‘Katsudon’ is, it’s been such a long time since I last tried Japanese cuisine. I have had indigestion in the past with their raw-meat recipes. I had to google it after waking up. Hehehe…) 

“Sure, if it’s with you!” 🙃

Then you giggled— a lovely sound you make which I miss so much. I sat there staring at you, like it’s my turn… you are so pretty, it’s as if you’re “coming of age”, you appeared so interesting as well because you wore cute baggy pants which I think suited your style. Then the rice bowls arrived at our table, with some other side dishes. “Dig in”, you said. And that was it. Abruptly cut again. I didn’t even see how we enjoyed our Katsudon together… I “hate” it when a dream leaves me hanging!! In our vernacular, “bitin na bitin!!” Very open-ended. HAHAHA!!! 😅😊

___

My OFW friend started messaging me again yesterday. She has some issues with things, like “life plans not exactly going well”. I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say. And then I remembered you. I just thought of you, I don’t know why. Then I stopped replying to her messages.

I miss our friends and having a good laugh with them. But most of all, I miss you.

Covid is disrupting our world. I have two co-workers who’ve already died (indirectly) because of it. May God always protect you and your loved ones. Stay safe. I love you. 🙏💗

I miss this...

 

(I DO NOT OWN THE VIDEO)

TAWANG-TAWA TALAGA AKO SA VIDEO NA 'TO!! 😝🤣 Makes you want to really agree with it. I miss designing spaces... rooms, offices, homes, whole buildings. I enjoyed the "self-brainstorming" and execution of ideas (kahit na kapag pina-check ko na sa prof ay may mali pala), pero may magsasabi sa plates (projects) ko na, "Oo nga 'no?" o kaya "Wow, ang ganda!" na ang sarap-sarap pakinggan. Pumapalakpak ang mga tenga. HAHAHA!!!

I don't regret not being a freelance Architect by profession. Baka tamarin lang kasi ako lagi kung walang "push". 😅😂 Pipilitin ko lang madalas ang sarili ko. And I think I'm actually more accustomed to "routine". At saka literally, nakakabaliw. Ang sakit sa ulo, magkaka-ideas lang kapag tulog na ang lahat (minimum 1:00 AM yun) tapos mababawasan na kapag sumikat na ang araw. Kailangan ko ng ultimate silence (except for my personal music kapag sumobra naman) para tuluy-tuloy ang flow ng ideas and motivation. Duon ko minahal ang NU107, nung time na sleepless-nights-because-of-plates. Madalas walang tulog, palaging zombie mode, tapos kapag naka-"idlip" in the middle of a project, as in straight 10 to 12 hours babawi yung katawan ko. I just couldn't take that kind of "self-abuse". There came a point when I regret taking the course BS Architecture. 'BS' talaga. HAHAHAHA!!!!

Hindi ako nasanay sa AutoCAD software dahil medyo nalihis na ako ng career, so manual technical drafting at freehand drawing lang talaga ang kaya ko ngayon. Hindi rin ako magaling sa rendering ng color at textures. I failed the licensure exams 3 times for almost 3 consecutive years, kahit na nag-review school pa ako, so I think "not meant to be" talaga. I would have just dragged myself to embody the "forced creativity" that came with the license. Even now, I am forcing myself when I bought alcohol-based markers for doodling. The 80-piece set still sits undisturbed inside my mobile pedestal in the office.

Designing as an architect-only in the Philippines may not be that profitable, maybe even unfulfilling. Some of my classmates in college who are now practicing architects are also contractors, meaning: they design and build. That is a more viable and sustainable career here. Some have weekend gigs. Architect/photographer, architect/musician-- weekday designers with weekend occupations on the side. I'm happy for those who were excellent designers as students now get to see their creations come to life (some just partially, because company architects' final output is blended with their fellow architects' ideas).

I was able to design a two-storey residence when I became unemployed for a few months, but I never got to see it built. God just gave me the opportunity to have income while still applying for a new job. 🙏💗😊 The project was very hard for me because I experienced the full essence of the design process, negotiating with engineers for their signatures for my blueprints. Although it was quite fulfilling in the end. Quite. But I think I could not have maintained that kind of life on a normal basis. Talk to client--draw (trial and error)--talk to engineer--draw (according to specifications)--process the building permit. I undervalued my work when it came to the fee, because I was desperately in need. It is true that designers and illustrators, whatever kind, shouldn't succumb to haggling down the monetary value of their work.

I regret buying a larger drafting table, bigger than the one I used in college, only to neglect it and watch it deteriorate over a couple of years.

I just miss the craft in general. I need a (new) hobby. 🤣

Smashing Pumpkins - Landslide (Remastered)

Still the best version of this song.

"LANDSLIDE" (Smashing Pumpkins version)

I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill

'Til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oohh...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've

Built my life around you

Time makes you bolder, even children get older

I'm getting older too

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've

Built my life around you

Time makes you bolder, even children get older

And I'm getting older too

I'm getting older too

Oohh, took my love, and took it down

Oohh, climbed a mountain I turned around

And if you see my reflection in a snow covered hill

The landslide brought it down

The landslide brought it down

Oohh...

Oohh...

Oohh.

IKAW PA RIN By Ted Ito w/ Lyrics

It would be nice to be able to go to the Beach this summer. But covid is a bitch! 😖

This is not a karaoke version. This is the song's actual audio! I'm not sure if the "real" original was performed by Hideaki Tokunaga, but another version was made by Keempee De Leon. HAHAHA... I just love the melody and (different version) lyrics.

Classic love songs: Cheesy but relatable. 🙃💗

Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way (Lyrics)

Current LSS. Sorry na ulit... ✌😅🤣

(I DO NOT OWN THE MUSIC VIDEO)

I hope it won't be too late. 🙏💗

"Swing"

It looked like a “reddish” or ”brownish” corner lot townhouse (or maybe a duplex?), because you had a lawn around your home: front, side and back. Your unit was attached to another by a firewall, but the extent of adjacent unit/s was blurred to my vision, so I don’t know how far it went on. The window of your room which faced the frontage had large blinds. There was a swing just outside the room (still within the fence) where I sat playfully. You were dressing up; your mother was at the door and the rest of the family was playing a board game in your living room. For some reason, I was wearing formal clothes— typical long sleeves, slacks & leather shoes.

“Wait for me?”, you asked with an intonation. “Yes”, I responded looking at the window while still sitting on the swing. “Hey, no peeping!”, your mother exclaimed at me as I answered your question. The three of us laughed. 😅😂🤣

I stared blankly at the grass… but I knew I was happy. I felt it.

You peeked through your own blinds and called me by name: “Jase… wait for me?” Same inquiry but with higher inflection and this time in a louder tone. This is the first time in a long time that someone called my name in a dream. I replied with, “Yes, I miss you… so much.”

There were other things that happened but I can no longer remember them. And that was it.

___

I am quite amused that your mom always appears with you now in my sleep. She’s “added protection and support”, because however strong I perceive you to be, you are still somewhat fragile. 🤗

I don’t know why I have this hope… I feel I shouldn’t give up on you just yet. Although I might still be wrong. I’m aware that you may very well be committed already, but it seems that the hints of our Minister appear stronger for me. ✌😅 NO OFFENSE… I’m sorry, but this is what I actually feel. No disrespect, though. I just don’t want 'him' to use you. Again, I hope you are not “blinded”. This was also another hint of our Minister: “Ikaw naman… niligawan ka lang, sinagot mo naman kaagad!” I remember these things like they were yesterday; I also have photographic memory. BUT for all I know, plantsado niyo na ang lahat. November will later approach. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. God will either lead us on or pull us back as He pleases; He knows what’s best for us.

Whatever the case is, I am always here. Take care of yourself. 💗

Ingatan nawa. May God bless us all the remaining days of our life. 🙏