AN (EVER HESITANT) EPILOGUE

I never thought I would write this. But given this “ending of a chapter”, I feel obliged. I’ve been thinking lately, about one of my most serious blunders for the past seven years. I even reviewed some of the letters I’ve sent. I think my “tantrum” has subsided.

I have to say that along with all the mistakes, I think being "not meant to be" crossed my mind ten thousand times, almost as many times I thought of you (after the point of no return). I took all the rejections like multiple slaps in the face. I started to think you already turned your back on me, although there was virtually nothing to walk away from. That's how this past week felt. But it woke me up.

The idea that God is protecting you from me crept into my system and never left my mind after you dumped me in April of 2012. Somewhere in my sub-conscious, I have always thought, and still think, that I'm bad for you. This was one of the things I constantly hoped I was wrong about.

October 22, 2014 was a 50/50 "gamble" for me. Stubborn as I am, I still wanted to take the slim chances I had. I couldn’t sleep back then, and the thought of you almost filled my everyday. But you directly implied in your response that you "never felt anything for (me) and (you) were not saying this because (you) have priorities in mind." That your "feelings toward (me) have not changed"; and that I am only "a kuya and a friend to (you). It's not going to change."

December 29, 2015, was another gamble; you caught me by surprise when you sent me an FB message. I thought maybe it would be my final try, because if I were wrong again, you would most probably be afraid of me already. And indeed you were, saying “it’s uncomfortable”, telling me “…sana tama na. Para may dumating na for (me)”, mentioning also that you’ve "already found him", although in my denial, somehow I didn’t really believe you had a boyfriend then. I knew you must have had a very strong reason. I respected it.

December 26, 2016 wasn’t supposed to be significant – but I finally got gravely offended by you. A very severe blow… It was like an explosion awakened me. Pardon me for my sensitivity; I got fed up trying, maybe in the same way you got fed up suppressing me! HAHAHA!!! But it worried me. I really hope you have not become the discriminatory type. I care for your personal welfare, believe it or not.

I felt humiliated each time I tried and failed. They were all so awkward.

I took everything at face value and started to realize after, I was very wrong to have pursued the courtship (?)… or whatever it was, let alone begin to think of being with you and start my own family. I guess “courtship” is not the right word; it was more like “confessions” only. Stupid me.

I maybe right when I say that I might not be healthy for your well-being. At least maybe for the moment. I mean, just look at yourself – you look happy and you look good. Based on what I see, I think you’re so pretty; maybe even at your most beautiful ever! I wouldn’t be surprised if you have more suitors now. Your fresher appearance reflects so much about your present condition. And one contributing factor maybe because I haven’t been part of your life for so long, almost no communication whatsoever. I hope nothing more has changed inside you. I just felt I was a victim of your aggression, though spoken only. But as long as you’re doing okay, I’m very happy for you.

I’m sorry if it felt like I was forcing something on you; or if I scared you at some point. I didn’t realize that I was too persistent. I’m really an idiot when it comes to love, and other things resembling it..

I repeatedly deleted a full album of nothing but your solo pictures -- a folder which kept coming back. I saved your messages of “sorry I’m not for you”, on the other hand, so I could always read them whenever I remembered you: to help me change the way I felt. But I could not, even though your words kept echoing inside my head. For seven years, there almost wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you. Even at the time when I met someone whom I thought would make me forget you, you were still always at the back of my mind. I kept “coming back” to the thought of you. Your name remains to be a staple in my Prayers. I wish for your happiness, even though I’m not part of it.

You’ve already ditched me three times; Dec.26,’16 might be technically considered as the fourth. You blocked me on Twitter and switched to private on Instagram. I made the conscious decision to block you then on Facebook (and Twitter also), so I won’t be tempted to always check your accounts. But it feels like I'm holding a grudge on you. You are not my enemy and I don’t want you to be. I don’t go to “Alpha” that much anymore and we work and live in different cities. We are fundamentally secluded from each other. I guess that would help you also.

In your personal matters, you may have asked yourself a long time ago if the signs you were searching for have revealed themselves. As a woman of Faith, I know you will make choices based on these parameters, along with your intelligence and common sense as well. I think the answer is clear. I realize now that you may really have found him, your true love.

I'm not courting anyone, nor am I planning to do so. Maybe I'll fall for someone else someday. But I will always love you, one way or another. As a friend, as a Sister in Church. You made me realize that true love must be selfless, willing to sacrifice one’s own for the other. I would rather see you be very happy with someone else, than be unsure with me. I never in my life thought I could say anything like that. I know almost as much as you do that we don't have to take initiative on these matters anymore. What God permits shall be.

I am thankful for the learning experience. It’s been 7 years (I found myself already in love with you way back December 25, 2009). I’ve been sad for almost 5 years now (from April 28, 2012). I keep track of dates, if you noticed. But whatever's been said and done might just be on the surface. The Higher Powers are preparing what's best for you and me, apparently now in a separate context.

I've always admired you for your Faith. It fascinates me. The way you handled what life threw at you, and how you still carried on with your more important duties no matter what. Although I get annoyed at times because you display some ability (and authority) in both quoting Scripture and cussing. How ironic your powers are! HAHAHA!!!

You are strong in my eyes. It’s time for me to be stronger, too.

Believe it or not, I was never in a hurry; I’m aware that in our Faith, it would usually take at least two years from the time of mutual agreement to the actual engagement (more or less, on average). And even before any of these can initially happen, the attraction itself must be firmly established. I just didn’t know how to contain myself at those times; a reason why all of my past confessions happened. I only wanted the assurance, IF it was possible that you could love me too. As old as I am right now, I still don’t know how to deal with these things. It’s embarrassing, bordering on the pathetic. In that sense alone, you were already right in rejecting me. I guess anyone will always be right when they fend off someone they don't really love.

And I know you’re helping your family too. I admire that.

We may be standing on uncertainty, but we choose to be definite. I WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP MY DISTANCE, so as not to bother you anymore. We can talk but only IF you want to. It has taken me this long to realize all of these; I might as well embrace it once and for all. I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.

I will miss your cute voice.

So I want to say again and again to carry on with what you're doing in life. Go places. Be happier. Feel fulfilled. In the near future, everything will be all right. Whatever happened, it happened. For all we know, maybe I was supposed to endure that kind of situation to find new strength. I'm so sorry you got caught in the middle of it.

As I always wish and pray for, may God bless you, your love and your family even more.

Sincerely,

me