I HEARD MY HEART TODAY

I heard my heart today. Literally.

(All intermittently in real time,) I happened to be in our head office. I felt some pain in my chest; I do get tired very easily now, especially during strenuous activities. We are not getting any younger. We are running out of time. Our company physician reviewed my records. A referral was made. I suddenly found myself in a cardiologist’s office. She heard an “irregular sound” during my check-up. I’ve already undergone Blood Chemistry Analysis (sugar fasting) last week, but a Complete Blood Count was still needed, along with an ElectroCardioGram.

In the 2-D echo/ultrasound room, I eventually ended up in just hours ago. This is the first time I heard my heart pump blood throughout my system. Several times it was broadcast through speakers. It vaguely sounded like squeezing a small balloon filled with a thick gel-like liquid; the rubbery walls sliding against each other’s surfaces, and a valve opening and closing. It made me squeamish.

Its rhythm did sound irregular, like it was “out of tune”. But who am I to interpret? I’m not a doctor.

Saturday will be a defining day, as this will be when the results are given to me. And another diagnosis shall be conducted. Just days ago I thought things are getting better. And now this. Such is life. Anyway, a second opinion will always be sought.

Romantically speaking, I want to say that my heart should not be “beating for anyone” anymore. Well, maybe not in a finality… yet. But I surely hope that’s the direction where it’s going to. Because letting myself be affected by the emotional strain I’ve felt for so very long might be one of the very reasons of its physical collapse. And indeed, to a certain extent of exaggeration: nobody really cares!

Screw this! I’m tired of this BULLSHIT! I don’t want to see myself be eaten up by all the accumulated failures in my life and become a worse person and a "broken" human being.

It’s a good thing I can vent my frustrations here. It’s so hard to do nowadays. People will judge, laugh at and ignore you; even your close friends won’t have the time to hear you out, because the petty matters that bother you are simply unimportant to them. We must be mature enough to understand and accept that. It’s just so upsetting sometimes! God forbid, someone would slam the “holier-than-thou” thing on me. DON'T ANYONE DARE!