I will not sacrifice my mental health for the sake of others’ desires anymore, not even for that kind of a “special” get-together/reunion. I also have a “biological” problem with buffets… I will only be in one with the right people, those whom I am most comfortable with. Making it public knowledge might have been a mistake, but I stand by this. Let me adjust at my own pace, I am still “cold turkey-ing”.
SORRY NOT SORRY.
UFC was scheduled for Manila and one of my closest friends was chosen as ringside commentator. Israel Adesanya’s fight was the main event, I saw the poster but couldn’t see his opponent. I was so thrilled for the event that I found myself in the middle of the venue (SM MOA Arena), busy talking to people. It was a blur. It didn’t look like we still had a pandemic; perhaps a few years into the future. Maybe my numbers were wrong, I’m not sure if what I saw was “UFC 286”.
Before the event started, my friends and I posed for a pic with my buddy UFC commentator, all of us in suits & ties, having the UFC Octagon as background.
“Who’s your co-host?”, asked a friend.
“Covington retired.”, answered my close friend. (Awkward response)
“That’s it!”, said another close friend. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
A group of ladies, you included, also posed for a pic right beside our spot. I heard the photographer saying, “Producers and Event Organizers!! Cheese!” I saw a high school classmate of mine among the group and the wife of another close friend with you.
“Where’s your husband?”, my tall friend
asked another close friend’s wife.
“Moving around, fixing things.”
My high school classmate happens to be one of the founders of URCC in real life, “The First Lady of URCC”, as she is/was called. On center was a famous local celebrity, LIZA SOBERANO, who later cheered for my friend— as she appears to be his girlfriend. “Our friend is so handsome!” exclaimed one of our friends. HAHAHA!!!
We eventually crossed paths after these photo ops.
Your group and ours dispersed and you went straight in front of me, head on, tightly pinched me in the arm and slapped my fist. You walked away saying, “Make it solid!”, grinning at me while looking back. I stared at you, bit my lip, rested my hands on my waist and whispered to myself: “What the heck is this woman trying to say?” [So weird!!] HAHAHA!!!
Turtleneck sweaters suit you. I think it was gray or green. I’m sorry, I become ‘color-blind’ in my dreams sometimes. HAHAHA!!! Your jacket, which was tied to your waist, looked like it had colors of the Philippine flag. You also wore a long skirt and white running shoes. So pretty.
I felt this “in-between emotion” of being in the middle of getting annoyed and getting excited, like I also want to pinch your cheeks. And I swear, you’ve made me feel this way many many times in the past, in the real world, when we were still ‘close’.
Close friend UFC commentator chuckled and said, “What are you looking at?!” And then it abruptly ended there, I didn’t even get a chance to see Bruce Buffer and Adesanya’s opponent. I woke up feeling the need to pee. HAHAHAHA!!!! I couldn’t sleep again, hence this early morning blog entry for today.
___
(*Sigh*) I miss you… so much.
I pray that whatever happens someday, wish I would wholeheartedly accept everything. Because we don’t own tomorrow. We are all anxious at some point, in our own way. And coincidentally as The Holy Scriptures say, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself...”
There is a beam of light I see. I don’t know how much longer I must wait or if I should wait at all, but I’ll wait for you anyway. For as long as I can.
May God bless your household and
everyone you hold dear. Stay safe always. ILY.
It wasn’t exactly a pub, but more like a
rustic café. The place was beautiful: full of varnished wood & transparent incandescent
bulbs, it was very bright. The scene started like we were in the middle of a
long conversation. The sounds (voices & music) were faint at first, until
it slowly increased to normal. We sat face-to-face, on opposite ends of a small
square table, in the middle of it all. There were a moderate number of people,
it wasn’t full and it was comfortable. I don’t know if we had eaten, but we each
had a glass of lemon water.
“This is the real deal. Stay with me.”, you concluded.
“Yes, of course. I plan to.”, I replied.
I don’t know what we talked about, there were no documents in front of us, but the last lines seemed like a sales pitch for a business opportunity meeting of a multi-level marketing scheme. HAHAHA!!! 😅😂🤣
We continued to talk seriously, we laughed hilariously in between, you even showed pictures on your phone and explained things. I loved it! You appeared to be a recognizable customer there because people greeted you as they passed by, near our table. I noticed they called you “Lyn” or maybe “Lynne”, doesn’t matter how it’s spelled, it sounds like “Lin”. (Whatever happened to “Kim”? I was so confused.) Maybe it’s ‘Kim-Lin’ or ‘Lin-Kim’, you dressed like a K-drama star, after all. Red turtleneck long-sleeve sweater, skirt and high heel boots. As in W-O-W! Fierce!! 🥰
And then there was a long, awkward pause.
You stood up, grabbed your bag and said, “Okkaayyy…”
I held your hand and said, “Wait, can’t we dance?”— Very strange.
“Not just yet. There are things needed to be done. I’ve got to go. But stay with me, please?”, saying it with a smile, in a casual but heartwarming manner. –“Yes, I will.”
I heard a familiar song in the background and murmured to myself: “I know this 90s song; I like this.” I plainly couldn’t understand why I can’t recall the title. I later searched for it.
Then we went out. I remember holding the
door for you.
___
I dream almost every other night: twice a week or more. But they’re mostly a tangled mess. With you, it’s different. There is always some logical pattern of a believable story or exchange of lines. And the details I see… beautiful! I can almost get architectural and interior design “advice” from it. I simply have to rest well, and it comes. It’s not 100% streamline perfect, I do cut off some silly things, instead of adding more dramatic details. I want to be as close to the original (“as-I-saw-and-heard-it”) as possible. It’s satisfying for me. That’s why I love it when I see you… you bring that sort of order, even just in my sleep. 😊☺
I don’t have to tell how I still feel about you; I think you're aware of it. I ought to be happy if you’re happy. Maybe I am. You should also know that I am always here for you.
Stay safe and take care of yourself. However busy you are right now, may God always bless you and keep you, along with all of your loved ones. 🙏💗
THIS WAS THAT SONG:
“HOLD ON” by Side A
Yes, it's you...
You're the one in my life I've known
From the start that it's you I'd spend
forever with
So please hold on with me...
You know
So well that we can't last a day
Without each other
You're all I have and I'm all that's
there
To keep you goin'
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Funny how
We both try to show that we
Don't really care
But deep inside the thing that matters
Is to have you...
By my side
Let the tears
Roll down, that's okay because
Tomorrow no one's goin' away
Just let this be and hold on with me
Hold on with me
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
I didn’t pay attention to a friend’s request to like, subscribe and share a new channel he’s supporting. This teaches me to always check first.
I’m so proud of you!!! (Even though I have no right to be.) After a very long time, I heard your voice again. 🥳 Only, not in a live-in-person sense. At least to some extent, one of my wishes is granted. I knew you were going to eventually take this type of endeavor, given your talent & attributes. I’m very impressed. The videos look clean & crisp and the voice over sounds so nice & cute. 🙃😅 I think it would be very unfeasible if you did this all by yourself. You did say, “Help us grow ‘OUR’ channel by liking and sharing ‘OUR’ videos.” It makes me think, though, who your business “partner” in this venture is. Does the ‘2’ in the channel name refer to the ‘2’ of you? Maybe you 2 DO make a good “team”! He's a video editor in our broadcast network, after all.
His given name even sounds like my surname, only spelled with a one letter difference. Yes, I know who he is. I have sources. I’ve seen him in person and observed him up close when I was in the adventure camp last December. I don’t know if he noticed or if he is even aware of me. I’ve also seen him as the main character in one episode of our drama series. He has a receding hairline, a very toned & masculine physique, but has a seemingly effeminate aura— I’M REALLY SORRY, maybe it’s the jealousy speaking, I’m just being honest about my opinion.
But who am I to judge? Surely, you know better. Friends say you even post pictures of him now in social media. I’m glad I don’t see it… because I’ll actually get so jealous!!! I always think: “Why would someone do an elaborate story and back it up, just to repel suitors? Why fool people? That would be absurd and exhausting!!” One could only wish to maintain a number of friends who are in on it for a limited amount of time, if ever there really is such an “act”. So maybe, you truly are in love with him. I’m just worried that you’re blinded and he’s only using you to prove something and “validate” himself; and I can’t get that out of my mind! I want you to be happy. Heterosexual women who marry queer men suffer in the end. But he seems to be a nice guy, at least he's that. Anyway, the hints of our Minister are simply stronger. HAHAHA… again, I’m really sorry!!! ✌😂
I wanted to subscribe, but what is one person? My subscription won’t matter by the time you’ll have reached thousands of subscribers. (I do hope you reach thousands and thousands, as many as you can.) I didn't like or share, you might see my name and just get upset. You said you weren't comfortable being friends with me. As long as you still don’t express that you’ll accept me if I follow you again, even if it’s just in social media, I won’t bother anymore. I want you to have that peace. You may have already seen, in whatever control settings the system has, that I’ve watched the videos. (Un)Fortunately, I could not erase my contributions to the “views” count. I’m slowly learning to dissect my mixed emotions about this.
I really don’t know why I have this “blind” faith and hope in you. The ‘faith’ and ‘hope’ are there, but the “you”— not so confident about that. Maybe it’s just “Faith and Hope”, in general. The warm, fuzzy feeling still manifests itself when I think of you, there is a constant concern for your betterment and a desire to be with you for the rest of my life persists. I have never felt anything quite as enduring and as intense for any lady who has ever crossed my life! I don’t tell many people about this... I strive hard to maintain a quiet composure, if there is any form of composure in me at all. Regarding my continuity for this kind of affection for you, I guess we’ll know by November… if your marriage plans with him shall push through or not.
So grow. Flourish. And as I’ve said many times before, be happier… you’re beautiful the way you are, with or without somebody right next to you. May God keep you and continue to bless you. However things are, I LOVE YOU. That remains. 🙏💗😊
Our close friend was hired as a chef in a newly-opened Japanese restaurant in town. He invited us to the grand opening. On the day itself, I saw him performing serious Teppanyaki skills in front of a dining audience. I saw two more of our common friends shouting, “Wow… magic, magic!” I laughed so hard, it was like they were “planted” audience in on the whole act or just amazed 40-year-old “children”. Either way, very supportive friends. HAHAHA!!! 😆😂🤣
And then I saw you, sitting alone on a two-seater. I got self-conscious, noticing you were staring at me, smiling.
“Hi.”
“Are you with someone?”
“No, the other seat is vacant. Care for
some Katsudon?”
(I can’t even remember what ‘Katsudon’ is, it’s been such a long time since I last tried Japanese cuisine. I have had indigestion in the past with their raw-meat recipes. I had to google it after waking up. Hehehe…)
“Sure, if it’s with you!” 🙃
Then you giggled— a lovely sound you make which I miss so much. I sat there staring at you, like it’s my turn… you are so pretty, it’s as if you’re “coming of age”, you appeared so interesting as well because you wore cute baggy pants which I think suited your style. Then the rice bowls arrived at our table, with some other side dishes. “Dig in”, you said. And that was it. Abruptly cut again. I didn’t even see how we enjoyed our Katsudon together… I “hate” it when a dream leaves me hanging!! In our vernacular, “bitin na bitin!!” Very open-ended. HAHAHA!!! 😅😊
___
My OFW friend started messaging me again yesterday. She has some issues with things, like “life plans not exactly going well”. I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say. And then I remembered you. I just thought of you, I don’t know why. Then I stopped replying to her messages.
I miss our friends and having a good laugh with them. But most of all, I miss you.
Covid is disrupting our world. I have
two co-workers who’ve already died (indirectly) because of it. May God always
protect you and your loved ones. Stay safe. I love you. 🙏💗
It looked like a “reddish” or ”brownish” corner lot townhouse (or maybe a duplex?), because you had a lawn around your home: front, side and back. Your unit was attached to another by a firewall, but the extent of adjacent unit/s was blurred to my vision, so I don’t know how far it went on. The window of your room which faced the frontage had large blinds. There was a swing just outside the room (still within the fence) where I sat playfully. You were dressing up; your mother was at the door and the rest of the family was playing a board game in your living room. For some reason, I was wearing formal clothes— typical long sleeves, slacks & leather shoes.
“Wait for me?”, you asked with an intonation. “Yes”, I responded looking at the window while still sitting on the swing. “Hey, no peeping!”, your mother exclaimed at me as I answered your question. The three of us laughed. 😅😂🤣
I stared blankly at the grass… but I knew I was happy. I felt it.
You peeked through your own blinds and called me by name: “Jase… wait for me?” Same inquiry but with higher inflection and this time in a louder tone. This is the first time in a long time that someone called my name in a dream. I replied with, “Yes, I miss you… so much.”
There were other things that happened but I can no longer remember them. And that was it.
___
I am quite amused that your mom always appears with you now in my sleep. She’s “added protection and support”, because however strong I perceive you to be, you are still somewhat fragile. 🤗
I don’t know why I have this hope… I feel I shouldn’t give up on you just yet. Although I might still be wrong. I’m aware that you may very well be committed already, but it seems that the hints of our Minister appear stronger for me. ✌😅 NO OFFENSE… I’m sorry, but this is what I actually feel. No disrespect, though. I just don’t want 'him' to use you. Again, I hope you are not “blinded”. This was also another hint of our Minister: “Ikaw naman… niligawan ka lang, sinagot mo naman kaagad!” I remember these things like they were yesterday; I also have photographic memory. BUT for all I know, plantsado niyo na ang lahat. November will later approach. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. God will either lead us on or pull us back as He pleases; He knows what’s best for us.
Whatever the case is, I am always here. Take care of yourself. 💗
Ingatan nawa. May God bless us all the remaining days of our life. 🙏
Despite the looming ECQ, this Sunday morning amused me.
I dreamt that a family “adopted” me as one of their own. They lived at the edge of the village where we used to live, nostalgic roads I always dream about. They had a family business, a humble “Jolli-jeep”. It’s a Filipino (maybe NCR) contraption: a retired passenger jeepney that has been turned into a travelling sari-sari store; parking at conspicuous spaces near office buildings around lunchreak and afternoon snacktime, selling food: anything from rice & viand to banana-que, lumpia & turon. (I can relate to it since my mother befriended an old lady, Aling Napi, who happened to be in the same business when I was very young. We were regular customers in her Jolli-jeep in the late 80s, whenever I was at my mother’s work during summertime– a government bank in that intersection of Makati Avenue and Buendia.)
I started out to be this family’s regular customer and became close to the mother and her eldest, because she was always generous with her portions. I LOVE THAT. 😅 HAHAHA!!! 😋 I can’t exactly recall what happened in between, but I found myself helping them pack up and “go home” to their house everyday. The old lady was very endearing, as any of us would want a loving parent to be. The family members themselves were humble and decent, but I couldn’t remember their faces. It was odd that I noticed I always looked on the floor, as if my head was constantly bowed down. They are a very desirable family. Maybe they made me humble, too. It seemed like an ordinary dream until I realized the family’s composition:
A sweet old couple adopted me, they had three daughters and a son,
These siblings rarely talked to me except for one
She always took good care of me in every way,
Maybe that’s why I eventually intended to stay. 💗
Once again, memories and imagination blended in my sleep. Add wishful thinking to that. Still strange, but heartwarming and lovely. 🙃🙂
We sat on a beach, facing the ocean.
I looked from side to side… the coastline was vast. There were no people or nearby structures at our back, only a dense jungle. It was like we were on a deserted island.
You talked softly this time:
“Please hold my hand and never let go.”
“Oo naman…”, I replied.
You caressed your cheek against my shoulder and laid your head onto it afterwards. I responded with laying my head on yours. My brain must have been hard at work because I could feel your warmth beside me.
This is one of those moments when I wish it was real and don’t want it to end anymore. But my sleep has already been long and we all have to eventually wake up. It was very much like that other dream, only in a different setting. It’s way past noon and people have had their lunch. Here I am wondering why I keep dreaming like this, when it was you who said that you’re planning to marry your fiancé this coming ICC.
What I feel for you has not changed. It has remained the same all these years. But what should I do? Maybe wait for November and see what happens. Then maybe I’ll take it from there.
Take care of yourself. I am always here.
May God bless you and keep you all the days of your life. 🙏💗
