THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE ME

It’s not exactly a disease per se, but you may very well treat it to be – a “disorder”.

It has been around since my pre-school years. I’ve never really been able to shake it off, not even temporarily. I think about it now and I realize how it has “shaped” my social life dramatically. Even in my life’s important events, it always somehow got in the way. Up to this very day, it dictates my everyday decisions; my daily routine. I find it very difficult to handle, but it has its benefits somehow. It totally depends on how you look at it.

My deceased uncle had the same impairment. I remember him once saying to me: “Pareho pala tayo ng ‘sakit’!” I don’t know how he handled it in his life; I was too shy to ask back then. It’s too late to wonder and ask about it now, but he may have been the only one in the family who truly understood me. Another uncle had a similar condition, but far more severe. My tita is a nurse, so she took good care of him when she still had the opportunity. Sadly, he has also passed away just recently. Two classmates of mine had it too, when we were in college. They had their ways. I don’t exactly know how they go about it now.

I got lucky a few times when I needed a “remedy” the most. But it isn’t always so. It has humiliated me several times, but such is life. It’s simple but silly, unusually excessive but beneficial in some way (weird!), all rolled into one. I’m quite sure the average person doesn’t have this; it’s not that common at all. To some extent, it is still a bit psychological. But I can’t help it, it’s just so unpredictable sometimes!

This is just one of my many, many flaws. I was born this way. I may not like it sometimes but I know it was given to me for my own good. At my age, it’s now coupled with another embarrassing trait which has been “aggravated” over the years.

IF ever there’s a special someone who can fully accept this as being an almost inseparable part of me, then she must truly love me to be able to do so. What a wonderful thought that would be! But perhaps she is only a remote probability at this point. Or perhaps she doesn’t exist.

Just keeping it real.

KNOCK YOU! (OFF)

I would rather buy and wear a lowly and humble pair of genuine OTTO shoes than even think to consider a boastful (but insecure) “class A”/”factory overrun”/”replica”/”China” NIKE (or any other major brand) knock-off! We sometimes deny they are, and avoid using the word FAKE, and justify the lower price to their “minor” and hidden defects. The justification is further emphasized, especially if the seller himself is quite conscious that the items come from a questionable source. What’s funny is, some people who patronize these products move so awkward because they feel there’s heavy doubt that they’re using counterfeits, even defending why they look a certain way. Well, I guess that’s better than bragging about a 50/50 sham. HAHAHAHA!!!! “Image is everything” is a human sickness. Tsk, tsk, tsk….

Sure, the majority of manufactured commodities seem to all emanate from China nowadays, but purchasing them from authorized dealers and retailers still makes a huge difference. The important term here is: Quality Control.

Why do we deceive ourselves, anyway?

IF WE WANT, BETTER YET, NEED THINGS THAT TRULY PERFORM, THEN WHY DON’T WE DO OUR BEST TO SAVE UP FOR AN ORIGINAL? In social interactions as well as material necessities, NOTHING BEATS AUTHENTICITY.

We, as struggling and financially-challenged employees, want to attain a better appearance in everything but we sacrifice quality and comfort. Sadly, this has become acceptable to some of us. And more so, if the initial intent was for sports use, injuries (that could have been prevented or minimized) worsen as a result of this mentality. And then we later blame ourselves for buying cheap imitations. At times, they’re not even that cheap anymore. What a waste!

For me, a knock-off is a turn-off. Period.

WHENEVER I HAVE A BAD DAY

Just one of the things I do whenever I’m having a bad day: I watch again how Dan Henderson knocked out Michael Bisping— and I’m happy again. Cocky fighters do the arrogance and trash talk for the “hype” of the bout. It’s (sometimes incidentally) part of the marketing, it’s PPV after all = more viewers equals more cash. It’s very rewarding to see the more conceited fighters go down!

SUSHMITA SEN ON MARRIAGE

“I don’t know; I think, you know, we’re all unique and we are somehow always told by everyone else, ‘This is the right age to get married. This is the right age to have children. This is the right age to retire.’ I just wanted to take life at my own clock because I believe everybody’s unique. Uhm… I came close to marriage, twice. But better sense prevailed, I think. I will get married and I think in due course of time that too, will happen.” –Sushmita Sen, Miss Universe 1994

Brilliant! Although I think that to some, “their own Miss Universe” might never come in their lives, what she said is still remarkable. I really admire independent women such as her. She truly is deserving to be Miss Universe. And she’s still as beautiful as she was 23 years ago! :-*

#PASSENGERS

Too much loneliness is a scary thing; don’t let yourself get sucked in. Although I don’t read much, I like writers. They’re so fascinating! Jennifer Lawrence is absolutely gorgeous!!

#lovescifi                     #newfavoritemovie

AT TIMES, ONLY ME LIKES ME! :-(

I get a bit envious sometimes when an ailing friend or acquaintance gets plenty of sympathy for a speedy recovery. I myself was hospitalized last year and I posted it on social media as it transpired. Despite making public posts, I got awfully few well-wishers. It kind of reflects just how many people care for me. It got me thinking, who the hell am I to others, anyway? Do I deserve this kind of treatment (or more precisely, the lack of it)? After much thought, I realized that I only like myself now because I am the “protagonist” of my own life. During my difficult times, I even fail to fulfill that. I probably wouldn’t like me if I were somebody else. That’s the problem. HAHAHAHA!!!! >_<

But I would rather be the real me than pretend to be likeable. I have to admit to myself that I am not loved by most; and I must cherish those very few who accept me for who I am. I have just a handful of friends but I believe they’re genuine.

Come to think of it, why should I waste my time on this bullshit issue?! The numbers of “likes” (and other relative emoticons) in our social media posts do not equate to the number of people who are truly concerned about us! It’s only sheer statistics. A post can become more popular simply because you have more “friends”. If you have, say, a thousand so-called “friends” or “followers”, five percent (5%) of that would already count fifty (50). That’s already a considerable number for me, but that doesn’t mean many people actually give a damn. In fact, if your post gained only two (2) likes (or any single digit) out of a thousand “friends”, then we can safely say that it almost went unnoticed. Think ratio and proportion.

I’m not saying this in general terms and it certainly doesn’t apply to everybody (because I still am a “practitioner”); but social media, as a whole, is a SHIT place full of fake reputations, irresponsible netizens/cowardly bashers and attention-hungry hypocrites showing off their phony “humblebrags”!! Yes, we all want an audience once in a while. AND YES, ACCEPTABILITY OF WHAT WE PUT IN STILL DEPENDS ON A CASE-TO-CASE BASIS! Whatever we post, whether public or private, are only expressions. When it comes to our personal well-being, honest concern comes from the authentic people we encounter in our actual lives, not from someone you hardly know who’s halfway around the world typing, “Are you OK?” Sometimes, they don’t even have to say it. You just feel either the sincerity, or the hypocrisy.

Many people have hated me multiple times for being this frank. Those who are able to tolerate me are very strong individuals.

It shouldn’t hurt if ever someone is really being sarcastic and harsh to us. We must try to put ourselves in their shoes… I don’t know; depending maybe on that person, I may think I might do worse IF the situation was reversed. It's very easy to judge if we're "blind to ourselves", after all. LOVE PEOPLE FOR BEING WHO THEY ARE, not for who we want them to be. People's overall individual disposition makes each of them exceptional and loveable, not only to us but I’m sure to a lot of other people as well. But yes, “unwanted admirers” are still 'unwanted'.

There are just those whose cynicism worsen when they start to look better and taste a little bit of comfort in life. BITCHES. HAHAHA!!! But seriously, I feel sorry for them. If ever we were to change, let us change for the better!! There is always hope that we can all be improved versions of ourselves! Anyway, let's still be happy for them in their success and still wish them the best!

There. I finished “screaming” my heart out.

I enjoyed writing this. It made me realize some things as I wrote along. Therapeutic indeed. HAHAHAHA!!!! ^_^

"WASTED TIME"

I injured myself again. I truly am clumsy and accident-prone, like I was told since I was a child. This is what I get for prioritizing other things, including myself, over the more important matters in life. I immediately realized that after I noticed the blood surge out. A couple of my clothes were “marooned” yet again. I may need to have surgery for this, but only minor. I’m in pain, although the surgery can still wait. Because it is, itself, not a priority. And I feel I deserve it. The “repair” that needs to be done appears to be purely aesthetic, anyway. No broken bones, I am mobile like normal and I am able to clean it regularly. The damage can be easily hidden. This will lead to another physical deformity almost certainly. That’s life.

It helps when one thinks that “It could have been worse”, especially when I think about how it would have turned out if I fell another way. I’m still grateful, and I’m thankful I am thinking of it this way now. Somewhere in between the lines, I know A Higher Power continues to discipline me. I guess that’s one way to be happy: to think right away of being not in a more regrettable situation if you feel you’re in “unfortunate” circumstances already.

This tune strongly reminds me of that. One of my most favorite songs since high school. Heavy. The title itself makes you want to think, “What am I doing with my life now?”

‘WASTED TIME’ by Skid Row

You and I

Together in our lives

Sacred times would never fray

Then why can’t I

Let myself tell lies

And watch you die everyday?

I think back to the times

When dreams were what mattered

Tough talking youth naiveté

You said you’d never let me down

But the horse stampedes and rages

In the name of desperation

Is it all

Just wasted time?

Can you look at yourself when you think of what

You’ve left behind?

Is it all

Just wasted time?

Can you live with yourself when you think of what

You’ve left behind?

Oooohhhh.....

Paranoid delusions, they haunt you

Where’s my friend I used to know?

He’s all alone, he’s buried deep within a carcass

Searching for a soul

Can you feel me inside your heart as it’s bleeding?

Why can’t you believe you can be loved?

Oh, I hear you scream in agony

And the horse stampedes and rages

In the name of desperation

Is it all

Just wasted time?

Can you look at yourself when you think of what

You’ve left behind?

Is it all

Just wasted time?

Can you live with yourself when you think of what

You’ve left behind?

Yeah... Ooooohhhhh....

Ooohhh... You said you’d never let me down

But the horse stampedes, it rages

In the name of desperation

Is it all

Just wasted time?

Can you look at yourself when you think of what

You’ve left behind?

Is it all

Just wasted time?

Can you live with yourself when you think of what

You’ve left behind?

The sun will rise again

The earth will turn to sand

Creation’s colors seem to fade to gray

You’ll see the sickly hands of time

Will write your final rhyme

And end a memory.... aahh, yeah....

I never thought you’d let it get this far, boy...

Oohh... I never thought, I never thought you’d let it get this far, boy... oh, no

I never thought, I never thought you’d let it get this far, boy... no

I never thought you’d let it get this far, boy....